1/9/2011

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1/9/11

Daddy,
That was our last day together.
Your breathing was fast and shallow.
The nurses and I agreed
to hang the Morphine… let it run.

I told you it was alright.
I knew you were seeing
Mama & Grandma Blanche waiting 4 you.
I told you Me, Morgan and Jule would be fine.

I’m sorry I broke and started to cry…
I was scared. C helped calm me down and spoke to you…& Me.

You had a scruffy bearded face… and that was never you to be unkempt…
YOU WERE ALWAYS WELL GROOMED
So C went to the gift shop, bought the items so I could shave your face. I kept kissing your cheeks thru my tears.

When I left I told you I would see you in the morning to arrange to bring you to RVA, VA Hospital to be closer to me.
But You decided you were ready to go…
I know you didn’t want me there. I know that you know I couldn’t take it.
At first, I was angry but in retrospect I thank you for being My Daddy, Protecting Me from trauma.
Till the very end.

1/102011 @ 12:19 am
The phone rang.
( it was a Monday)
You were gone,
it was over.
(The Dr. on call was very kind)
I was alone…at home
I see now it was a vision of what was to come.

Daddy
I’ve done pretty good since you’ve been gone but its been rough.

Calvin lied 2us both,
He didn’t love, protect, take care of or stay with me like he “supposedly” promised you he would.

Sisters AND Family members turned on Me again… just like when Mama died.
There are no family ties to those who plundered and accused.
Some said I killed you
Some felt I shoulda cremated you to save money.
Trust me they kept their $ in their pockets. w/o accountability.
Some that should have been there helping me and paying homage at your graveside weren’t.
(thx for not wanting the Dog & Pony funeral show)

Aftermath;
I made decent money, and took care of My Kids. I still watch over em Daddy. (Grown Ups need help 2 sometimes)
They are walking their paths.

2011/2012
I took care of what was left of yours to clear up, as well as my own debts and ADDITIONAL indebtedness for our rented home payment, and ALL the household bills… WHY? BECAUSE HE TOOK HIS KID AND LEFT… DIFFERENT OPINIONS ON HOW TO RAISE KIDS NO DOUBT.
Love isn’t just Blind… it became bereft, bankrupt and broken in 2012.
(but like a lovesick fool listening to BS, I let him back in 2013…I know I know MY BAD) 2014 we were done. No more carnage.

I moved to Atl, 2b near the kids in 2017.
also 2 figure out where I belong.
I stay w/Morgan and in return I believe (hope) I’m enriching hers, Jules and the kids lives. I teach, help clean, and do what I can for my room and board. Kevin is very gracious. He’s been a good man for her Pop.
However….
I understand your loneliness after Mama died much better now.

Today;
I’ve graciously give all my resources and spend when necessary to aid and assist.
I try 2 remain humble but some days I lose hope.
Now the need is Mine…
From whence will come
My Help?
But like your taught me
FALL DOWN SEVEN GET UP EIGHT.

Thank you for also teaching me to Love myself…
“Others” love comes with too many conditions or what its, fears &
self-centeredness

So I exist alone.

Lastly thank you for sending a piece of
yours and Mama’s soul thru and back to this rhelm when the twins were born…
bcuz it was those gifts
that
Saved Me.

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