Enlightenment

 

When My Quest began
I was Bereft & Bewildered
having endeavored and endured
while on the journey to
This Place
I humbly realize
It was worth Everything

While traveling
I met
UNreasonable Facsimiles
and Smooth Talking
Carpetbaggers
I even sampled
one or two of their wares
all the while being
willingly convinced to
contort my dignity along
w/My Feet
trying on Glass Slippers
w/shards of glass
To their amusement and
My Disdain
Thankfully Realizing
That 4Love
I wasn’t meant 2Bleed

Their Incessant whines:
I’m not ready…
Give me time…
I really wanna…
In the future…
I’m working on it…
Became the hauntingly
aching mantra
that consistently
Crescendo’d in my ears, traveling
through My Soul
pinching My Heart…
the sting almost
unbearable at times
& like Black Magic
The Healing worsened
with each attempt

Fearing distinction…
Their incessant Cacophony’s were deafining….
just to keep a bid in
trying to explain away
their ineptness
& with each attempt
I retreated further into me
wrapped in My Innate
Inherent Shield of Protection
finding solace deep within my Mind
I held counsel with My Aura
Summoning The Empath
in Me
& learned w/each empty promise
with each long goodbye or
go-see
2block and shield
their taunting horrors
to save my very Existence

I fell in love with Myself
I saved Myself
I studied Myself
calling on My Chakras
bathing Myself in the oils
of Essential
Reciting The Holy thru Meditation
Until the Shift happened
Awareness of the Clouds
lifting
& thru the path from the
Root 2My Crown…
Enlightenment Reigned

I listened in Silence
yet I covered My Ears
I stayed still and in position
yet I couldn’t catch My Breath
I kept My Eyes tightly closed
yet I could FINALLY See
and just like that
all that seemed to matter
disappeared in a cloud
of broken dreams, wishes
and Smoke

I teared up instantly
in remembrance of the pain
I paid homage to those that
Lost Me
& I Buried the Dead
Now
I awake each day
Open 4Wonder
knowing
Only the Marvelous
will do…

 

 

 

Wanted: A Blind Man w/a Heart of Gold

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pop

I never found
the Blind Man
with the Heart of
Gold…

TY Daddy
“I”
learned the lessons
Unfortunately
to “them”
I’m seemingly
Invincible &
Invisible…

A 5foot7
Brainiac Boss
HiYella Golden Girl
w/Tits/Ass
ThickThighs
&
an affinity for
Zooming equal
2theirs
is all “They” see

You always said
Be Smarter
Be Better
Be Ready
and
Love with your
Whole Heart
My Rents, My Man
My Kids & God
I did that Pop
but 2No Avail

Looks and a Quarter
won’t buy a cuppa coffee…
And weave, padding and BS
continue 2Deceive…

Trust Honesty
Loyalty, Solidarity
Ride or Die…
and
COMPROMISE
is what sees you thru

Soooo
When presented with Stay in, Stay on & help Steer the Boat… Those Chosen          failed to Ride the waves & Enjoy the Journey Those current & out on the Periphery are just that…

 Luckily you taught Me How 2Sail…

#090623 #HBDayPop #TY4EVERYTHING

 

Pursuit of Perception? No Thanks…

 

 

Why I am involved
w/Me, Myself & I?

Is it me
or
just the men
I seem to meet and know…

Ladies Lately…do you find yourself having to “Banter” in convos abt mudane topics w/o hearing any substance?

Have men gotten so used to *Half Ass Doing and Being* (as my Mama used to say) with a Sister that they feel that ANY time spent with a Sister is Quality Time?

When did the quest for Orgasms replace conversation, direction, intention?
Or His perceived Prowess replace Principles?
Cuz we can all Fuck….
But can you form a legible sentence.
Is your quest for like, love or commitment as long as your dick?

When did it become fashion to go from
Hello to Name Rank and Serial number…
with our non negotiables leading the way.
One wrong word or phrase spoken or interpreted incorrectly followed by
the appearance that effort may be required and the Mission is aborted
&
Discharge is enacted with a quickness
With the Sister being Branded Too Difficult, High Maintenance
or
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE
“InTimADating”

But the worst In my humble opinion
is the thought that because there appears to be so few of the Good ones left
The SEEMINGLY
**(I say Seemingly because Men love to say WE JUST Talking or Kicking it abt present liasons)  Available ones feel obligated to spread themselves around…

  • Color Me disheartened and
    Color Me Ghost…

The 2nd Awakening

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Luvs 💜💜💜

Some musings for your pleasure of Part Two of my Sojourn.   Epiphanies are happening for sure…in and thru and around me.  My restlessness prompts me for decisions, actions and change.

Only the non existent refuse to evolve. Everything I thought I had, everyone I thought I knew… the visions have changed and the facades are falling away.

In this 2nd stillness, veils are being lifted allowing Brilliance to manifest again.

In this constant evolutionary journey, Ive missed Love.  In this period of solitude and discovery Ive needed, wanted and craved Lust.  Superficial has never interested me nor have the objects of the offers. There have been many who feigned to be “enlightened” to pique my interest…only to falter once the real is known & shown.  My Spiritual Emotional Alchemy moves fluidly leaving those of reason baffled and somewhat defensive. I choose 2lanquish in the ocean…it is My Depth that unnerves.  Sorry not sorry for those that cannot swim.

Ive come to the conclusion that attraction may not only be a misnomer but virtually non existent. Sometimes Men can’t seem to get out of their own way.  Feelings, and fear seem to run parallel. Giving all takes more then just strength and courage but also the desire of conviction.

It is a mans desire for wholeness, that wanes. Not carnally but soulfully. Superficial replaces depth; allowing one the false bravado to offer rationales to explain away the hesitancy.

People have to want to engage and be engaged.  This is primarily vital to learn and teach.  Sight and the seeking must accompany the attempt to elevate, soar and discover.
The levels and depths I give, care, know relate and reveal few if any can match. At this point in my quest I venture to say even fewer would want to attempt.

I’ve been told often that I ooze sex. “OKKKK”….but… I also allow the fluidity of my love 2quench, to overflow and that scares the hell out of most.  Many women unfortunately choose to cloak themselves.  Me? I bare all and I will honor Me until the end.
I’ve given my all and found nothing sustainable in return except the gift of my progeny.  Even that was Celestially Ordained.  Now I will either receive immeasurably or not…To thine own self be true.

My fire feeds me and the flame has set me ablaze. I’m Anticipatory but also Alert and Aware.  I will continue to Search and Seek and Learn. I’m ravenous for contact with more depth. Thankfully I’m also acutely aware now more than ever….

I will not Starve.

 

Visitation & Manifestation

 

#BEGINAGAIN

Morpheus taught Neo
that
In the Construct
We shape & Mold
our Reality.

This morning I awoke
Tired of
Sleep encrusted
Self imposed
Worrisome visions
of
Nothingness
bcuz of always wondering
who is responsible
what’s happened to me
when did I lose sight
where I’ve landed
&
why….

1. I AM RESPONSIBLE
2. LIFE HAPPENED TO ME
3. I BLINDLY LOVED
4. I CRASHED DOWN @
THE CORNER OF PITY &
INDECISION
&
5. BLAME(D) EVERYTHING,
EVERYONE,
EVERYWHERE AROUND
ME

BOOM POW CRASH!!!!

Today
I woke the Fuck up

Tuesday
I had a Visitation
from My Daddy
right smack dab in the middle of
Golden Corral….
My explanation
nor
Your understanding
is not necessary

I UNDERSTAND

I WILL BEGIN AGAIN
I HAVE SET FIRE TO THE OLD CONSTRUCT

AS A BABE…
I WILL BE OPEN, ALERT AND WATCHFUL
AND I WILL FIND
WONDER IN THE ORDINARY & THE SUBLIME

I KNOW NOT WHAT IT MEANS OF YET
NOR DO I CARE TO

THE EYES OF MY EYES
ARE OPEN
I BELIEVE, I WILL IT
AND
I MANIFEST

DAY ONE…CHAPTER ONE…
The Journey Begins
Http://therealamaezingaj. com

 

#SpiritualAlchemist

 

 

How’d I Do?

 

 

 

 

 

QUESTIONS FOR YOU AT 50

I saw this posted and decided to do a check in with myself.

The pic on the left I was 52 actually. The right I just turned 60.

In a few months half a hundred will be 12 years behind me. My road from 50 to 61.9999 has been paved with guts and glory.  So this poll will be as good a gauge as any…

Here we go:

1. An old boyfriend who makes you smile with melancholy when you remember him and an old boyfriend who makes you proud of how far you’ve come.* CHECK – EVEN THO OUR PARTING WASNT SMOOTH, D WAS A LIFELINE AND A BEST FRIEND WHEN I NEEDED ONE.  J WAS A CHALLENGE TO MY SOUL LOINS AND SPIRIT – MENSA MATERIAL BUT HE COULDNT OUTFOX OUT BEGUILE OR OUTSMART THIS DIVA

2. A piece of furniture that has never been previously owned by anyone in your family that you bought with your own money and makes you happy.* CHECK – IVE GOT VERY EXPENSIVE LEATHER FURNITURE I PURCHASED 13 YEARS AGO AND IT STILL LOOKS LIKE NEW…AND RECENTLY IVE GIFTED MY KIDS WITH IT

3. An outfit that makes you feel invincible if your future employer or man of your dreams calls to meet you in an hour.* CHECK – IVE ALWAYS BEEN UNSTOPPABLE IN BLACK & WHITE IN MY PROFESSION. I FIND ITS OFT PUTTING TO SOME WHICH I ENJOY. AND NO ONE HAS NOTHING ON THIS LADY IN RED!!! I CAN STOP TRAFFIC AND OFTEN HAVE.
4. A set of lingerie that you would not be ashamed to be seen wearing.* CHECK – BUSTIER OR BODY SUIT YOU DECIDE WHILE I STRUT.
5. At least one scar on your heart where HE hurt you.* CHECK – IVE APOLOGIZED TO MY HEART A TIME OR TWO. SHE IS ME AND I AM HER – HELD TOGETHER WITH THE TEAR SOAKED SINEWS OF HOPE & UNBREAKABLE BONDING SOUL GLUE
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.* CHECK – 2 EBOOKS IN THE WORKS AND NOVEL BY YEARS END. AMBITIOUS YES BUT WTH NOT
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it. 1/2 CHECK – TELL THE TRUTH AND SHAME THE DEVIL. I DONT HAVE A BANKROLL SAVED BUT I WONT BE GREETING YOU AT THE WALMART EITHER. GOTTA KEEP MY HUSTLE GOING.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you.* CHECK – MINE ALL MINE
9. A dream so big it scares you.* CHECK – DEADLINES AND IMAGINATION MUST TRUMP FATIGUE AND SELF DOUBT
10. At least one friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.* CHECK – MY GROWN SON AND DAUGHTER. SHE IS THE DEADPAN REAL HUMORIST SHE SLAYS US WITH HER WORDS AND LOOKS. MY SON IS MY HEART TWIN HE FEELS WHAT I FEEL AND UNDERSTANDS AND ALLOWS ME MY PATHOS
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a pair of totally unpractical shoes. 3/4 CHECK – I HAVE THE SCREWDRIVERS IVE NEVER OWNED A DRILL AND MOST ALL MY SHOES ARE KICK AZZ. HEELS TILL I DIE.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.* CHECK – JEWELRY WOULD BE MY PURCHASE IVE GIVEN MOST OF IT AWAY BUT IVE ALSO KEPT A TRINKET OR TWO
13. The belief that you are worthy of treating yourself with respect.* CHECK – HELL THAT WAS INSTILLED IN ME FROM THE WOMB
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, a push-up bra and a great pair of Spankx. CHECK – SPECIFIC BEAUTY AND YOUNIQUE FOR MY SKIN, I WALK WHEN I FEEL THE NEED TO. ALL MY BRAS HAVE TO HOLD THE GIRLS UP. AND YES GAWD LYCRA ON THESE THIGHS PUHLEEZE
15. At least one recipe you cook well to impress the fussiest of guests.* CHECK – MY SPEGHETTI WILL GO DOWN IN INFAMY
16. A place to go just to think… where you can be completely alone with your thoughts.* CHECK – IM A DRIVER AND THE ROAD AND MUSIC BRING ME TO CENTER ALWAYS
17. At least one child who looks to you for guidance and advice . . . even if he or she isn’t your own.* CHECK – BOTH MY SON AND DAUGHTER – OUR BOND IS UNBREAKABLE
18. The knowledge on how to break-up with a man or confront a friend without losing your temper or your self-respect.* CHRCK – IN BOTH AREAS, ONCE IVE SAID MY PIECE IM DONE AND YOURE GONE
19. At least one lover who knew exactly how to touch you to make your toes curl.* CHECK – YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS AND MAY THEY CONTINUE 2CURL UNTIL I LEAVE THIS PLANE
20. The memory of a kiss so powerful . . . just the thought of it could sustain you into old age.* CHECK – BUT IMA KEEP ON KISSING IF THATS ALRIGHT
21. The medical history that runs in your family so you can take care of YOU!* CHECK – IM THE PSEUDO DOC IN OUR FAMILY. AND THE CURATOR OF MED HX WRITE UPS FOR EVERYBODY. AND THE PSEUDO PHARMACIST EVERYONE ASKS FOR ADVICE
22. The ability to live on your own and not be dependent on anyone.* CHECK – IVE BEEN ALONE MORE THEN IVE BEEN COUPLED AND HAVE HOUSED FOLKS AS WELL
23. An outfit that feels like you are in a cocoon and safe from the world . . . it’s usually fleece or flannel.* CHECK – IMA A PAJAMA GURL WHEN IM ALONE. & I SLEEP WITH A COMFORTER AND NUDE ALL YEAR LONG
24. The ability to let go of the hurts from your childhood and embrace the fact that your parents did the best they could with the skills they had.* CHECK – IM LUCKY IN THAT I HAD ABOUT AS  IDYLLIC A CHILDHOOD AS ONE COULD OF HAD – NO REGRETS
25. One secret that makes you smile.* CHECK – ALTHOUGH IM AN OPEN BOOK IVE GOT A THOUGHT OR TWO THAT ARE ALL MINE
26. A memory that makes you cringe . . . because those memories were lessons that brought you to here.* CHECK – IT WASNT MEANT FOR ME TO HAVE SURPRISES LIKE BIRTHDAYS OR VISITS
27. A journal full of your deepest thoughts.* CHECK – ITS CALLED MY BLOGS
28. A person you can call at 4 in the morning because you’re in a bind.* CHRCK – YES MY KIDS AND TWO MALE FRIENDS
29. The knowledge of what you are willing to accept and what you are not in a relationship.* CHECK – ITS BEEN FINELY HONED OVER TIME
30. Something you do that’s just for you and no one else.* CHECK – I SPEND MY TIME ALONE JUST ME
31. A piece of jewelry that has sentimental meaning.* CHECK – MAMAS ONYX AND GOLD RING I BOUGHT 4HER BEFORE SHE DIED
32. An older woman in your life who embodies the traits you want to develop in your old age.***MY OLDER HEROINES ARE GONE
33. A spirituality that feeds your spirit and nourishes your soul.* CHECK – YES “PEACE BE STILL”
34. A soundtrack to your life that when you hear it on the radio you sing at the top of your lungs.* CHECK – “ANGEL FLYING TOO CLOSE TO THE GROUND” WILLIE NELSON
35. Someone or something you LOVE with your whole heart.* CHECK – ME MYSELF AND I FIRST THEN OTHERS
36. A to-do list that never gets completely checked off.* CHECK – I ALWAYS CHECK OFF MY TO DO LIST. #OCD #ANAL
37. Enough money to run away in case you have to. CHECK – YES JUST IN CASE
38. A purpose to rise out of bed every morning.* CHECK – HEARTBEATS (MY KIDS) AND GEMS ( MY G- KIDS)
39. The ability to look in a mirror and love the ripples and bumps and wrinkles that stare back at you . . . because you earned them all over time.* CHECK – IMA GOOD LOOKING QUEEN & IM PLEASED WITH ME
40. The ability to say NO without having to add anything further.* CHECK – YUP RECENTLY EARNED
41. A hobby that you can get lost in for hours.* CHECK – READING AMD WRITING
42. A hole in your heart from losing someone you have loved deeply.* CHECK – I TRULY THOUGHT HE WOULD BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
43. Done at least one thing kind for someone that has no way to ever repay your kindness.* CHECK – MY LIFE HAS BEEN ONE OF SERVICE
44. A “Been there – Done that” t-shirt to starting over from scratch . . . whether it be from a divorce, a career change, a massive loss or surviving life’s curve ball.* CHECK – GIVING PERMISSION FOR MY PARENTS TO ASCEND. DIVORCES AND REBUILDING ME
45. A photo album full of memories . . . even if it’s on a flash drive or saved to the cloud.* CHECK – YES THEY SUSTAIN ME
46. A passport . . . up to date and ready to be stamped for the next adventure. CHECK – LETS GO
47. At least one grey hair, wrinkle and saggy body part. If you don’t, something’s wrong.* CHECK – YES AND THEY ARE EMBRACED
48. An accomplishment that’s all yours . . . outside of your children, not tied to your spouse . . . something you have done or created all on your own.* CHECK – DENTISTRY IS ALL MINE
49. The knowledge of who you are as a woman. What makes you happy and what is no longer tolerated.* CHECK – IM AN EMPATH, A MUSE AND BULLSHIT IS NO LONGER TOLERATED
50. The understanding that 50 is not over the hill . . . it’s not even close to the hill. There is no hill even on the horizon . . . because you still have shit to do.* CHECK – PUHLEEZE MOVE OUT THE WAY AND WATCH ME WORK!!!

Sowed and Reaped (we knew i’d tell it sooner or later)

fb_img_1479904373197

I woke up in peaceful thought this morning…and i surfed FB as i often do.
A FBFriend posted this meme and it stirred a reaction in me.
Here was my reply:
Oooh catching the Holy Ghost over this one…SOMEBODY HOLD MY MULE while I shout!!!!! It does take two to make a union and two to break a union. But there is also being kind. Not Stealth and not Deadly.
First, Do know Harm.

I spent ten years loving a man who didnt love himself. Did you ever see the TV show The Imposter? Where a man traveled and each place he went he put on a different persona? Well I married him not once but TWICE. The idiom “Love is Blind” has a picture of ME right next to it.

I love Whole and I love Hard which is vastly different from loving wholeheartedly. Wholeheartedness come from like then love followed by a preconceived script handed down from Woman to Woman. It gives a blueprint of the do’s dont’s and heres the ways to love and care for your man. Women then pick from the smorgasborg of options; the tasks that suit their scenario best. Then the women pray daily for the verve and drive to see it through.

NOT ME…Im a Muse…on a Mission. Ive also been called an Empath. An Empath is
a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. This is Me.

I knew early on in life that i was different i felt early on that it would be difficult to find one to love me through my depths. So i spent my first Two Acts of Life trying to conform, to fit in to blend. Only to realize its utterly impossible. I do NOT process things the way others do. My Parents realized this and raised me accordingly. What others saw as being spoiled was merely nurturing loving care to the Child they were entrusted to raise. We were an Unbreakable Triad. My lessons started from the Womb.

When i become enamored with someone they become the focus of my Empathy. i listen i watch i discuss i observe and THEN when i am comfortable i begin to feel. Depending on the situation, the encounter and the circumstances my feelings align accordingly.

If feeling is reciprocal it then becomes a slippery slope for me because i cant Half-Way…when i decide i go ALL IN.

Whole Love is the ability to maintain yourself while totally encompassing the Love and the Lover. The Hard is Sexy Provocative and Open. All one needs to do is WANT to love me back. I give above and beyond measure as it is possible. All i ask for is Him. I need, crave, desire and exist with and from PASSION. Without it the relationship must die, lest it kill me. Therein lies the rub.

Because of my Gifts ive always gravitated toward men i perceived Nurturers. In the Courtship and in the days, weeks and months that follow a love of new, im buoyed by the Passion shown. Thats when i turn on my inner light and shine to create the Protective Bubble for us to dwell. I explain IN DEPTH who i am and what i am and what i want. I was told with each encounter they understood and could acquiesce. They only “wanted me” they did not want to love me. Not whole and Not hard.

The last one i thought that with TLC would be the Love of my Life. I loved the juxtaposition of Creating the Man He could be against the tortured soul. I figured he would love me with Amazing Gratitude and Grace. All of this i furtively but foolheartedly believed because I found him in Church. I felt it was an assignment from The Heavenly Host to love this Man. Assuredly believing that as he grew into his own so would his love and ardor for me exponentially.
Like the plot twist in a horrid sitcom the opposite became true.

I love with all i have and its difficult to say no. To be a Muse and an Empath by design is to facilitate. My Love blinds my Vision and My Naivete rises to the surface. Summarily i became the scapegoat, the one least considered in his menagerie of family. His concept was for me to hop aboard and assist him in forging their lives forgoing our own.
The First Marriage was desparation and i could see it on his face. The goal was marry me and gain custody. My focus became halved but that wasnt enough because his focus locked in on his progeny, leaving me in the cold.
I walked away.

The Second Marriage came when i was wounded. My Center Root, My Father had died and ascended to join My Mother. I was bereft and he offered solace. I ate and drank his acidic rhetoric and bullshit like he was manna from heaven and grapes made into wine. Yet i forgot that wine that is not allowed to ferment and breathe is simply vinegar after all.

In order to save myself i had to kill my marriage. One day i sat down and told him either passion me, or it would not be him i’d find solace in. CONFORMISTS couldn’t. wouldn’t NEVER do that. They would simply Cheat. For me, to be and have Empathy is to be kind and true with my Heart when My Survival is on the line.

He finally admitted He couldnt love me. He needed “LessThan” and i deserved more. It crushed me to end in defeat. Then the change came. It seemed with his new found courage for confession he wanted to make me suffer the impending loss. He turned cold as ice and i felt abandoned. He secretly planned his exodus never worrying about the emotional, physical, mental, and financial carnage left behind.
OH SHE WILL BE ALRIGHT
OH SHE IS STRONG SHE’LL BOUNCE BACK
OH SHE MAKES THE MOST SO SHE CAN HANDLE THOSE BILLS
IVE GIVEN ENOUGH TIME TO THIS ITS MY TIME NOW
those phrases used to echo loudly in my ear keeping me awake at night. His sheer disregard for me astounded me.
So i packed all my things, borrowed money and escaped never to be with him again.

In the aftermath i took a sabbatical from love, men, and society, concentrating on me in repair. There was an Comforter along the way who saw This Angel flying too close to the ground and He assisted me in Patching my Broken Wings. After him i promised myself i will only Open, Feel, Emote and Love again…fot the One who is Empathetic too…
In Forgiving and Loving myself I started about the task of healing….

He was right about one thing…
I Am Strong

Why Not?

image

FATHERS DAY BRINGS MEMORIES OF CONVERSATIONS WITH MY DAD…
Conversations that nowadays when i have questions i search back through them to find the PEARLS OF WISDOM.
Looking for clues and information that will help me walk through to whatever “hmmmm revelation” i crave answers to. The singular declarative vision that will be made clear while seeking that AHA moment.

Todays truth journey…

When love arrives, presents, initiates, blossoms, grows, makes known, CLAIMS, ATTEMPTS, bargains, ACCEPTS, decides, commits, thrives, lives, STUMBLES, doubts, questions, errs, rationalizes, excuses, bargains, fades, postulates, accuses, backpeddles, lies, diverts and SUCCUMBS

I NEVER ASK WHY…

I ASK
WHY NOT ME…

Daddy you told me to always be Me…
One would come one day…who could…who will…understand me and love me for me.
It wont be easy for him, he will stumble because you told me…
Im Different…but Im Worth it…
Im Worth Everything…

I BELIEVED YOU THEN AND NOW…BUT
Im tired of “Lonely” Pop…
It Taunts me It Belittles & Berates me..
I cover my ears because the noise is deafening.
Only ALONE stands up for me now. It shouts at Lonely to GO AWAY…LEAVE ME W/ALONE.

Old Beaus/Lovers peer back at me over their shoulder…they think they can smell the scent of desparation that seeps through my pores…even tho i shower frequently, vigorously and mask its scent with Perfume.
They register my disdain for Lonely and mark time, waiting like the wolf studying its prey while the prey is dying of thrist…
Their Fangs exposed to bite me and drink me in. But oh how i miss the sting…
i concoct visions of pleasure in my minds eye, FORGETTING the sharpness of the blade they used to cut me in half. Taking only what they wanted…only what they needed from me…and left me for dead.
Only to sit back and MARVEL at my Recovery Renewal ReAwakening and my ReEmergence…and wonder if I will be gullible enough or their Game good enough for me to hop on amd ride rhe ride again. NO I AM NOT!

That does NOT stop them…

For in my NitemareDreams Lonely returns…
It SLITHERS closer. It raises its Head and its Hood. I transfix on its eyes and the Sway of its Head…I become deaf to the Hissing…and i forget to look away too late… as the Venom sprays into my eyes and Lonely strikes…and i fear one day it will kill me. Because i was made to Love. I will perish without it.

However there is The One…He has loved me the Most but has CUT me the most. He wrestles past Demons and Fractured Upbringing. He wrestles with God, Family, Evil, and Me.
Our path has been crooked and lain with Land Mines. We have Bloodied each other, yet we have soothed and bathed in it together. We’ve left each other exposed, but want nothing more then to be covered by one another.
Ive had to wait YEARS for him to Grow, Learn, Be, Show, Tell…

But Pop
Can He Do?

You told me HE was the One
and I Believed You
Pop Im still asking…(of him)
WHY NOT ME?

Social Graces

IMG_20160528_220805

TODAY I SPEAK MY TRUTH.
OVER THE YEARS SO MANY HAVE ATTEMPTED TO TRY TO DO THAT
FOR ME
ABOUT ME
IN SPITE OF ME
IN THE NAME OF ME

FUNNY…
Cruxificiation is real
Excommunication can sting
&
Lack of Compassion can tear at your Fiber

But the God I serve
Served Me
Two People
who bore me
&
Allowed me
to witness every emotion
Allowed me
to Grow
&
Be Me
&
Today I choose Me…

Social Friends & Real Fam…stay or not
No more oogling
Pick a Side…
and lets pretend volley
no more…

My Open Letter…
Sisters/Brothers
If u are a social friend or fam member on my page ur there bcuz we are good. Malice doesn’t live here. Judgment has never had a seat at my table. I left the groups bcuz smiles and hellos can also be envy and rancor. Ppl use their in boxes as platforms and Carlos George (God rest his Soul) told me I am too Raw Open and Pure for most. Whether Naked or Clothed I’m still me. Whether trying to save my marriage or my Life I’m still me. When I travel and state I’m here & let’s get together…when no one tries I hurt like anyone else. When I move to the area of ALL the happenings and no one bothers to come near I Hurt. I’ve been up top for a yr with Nary a visitor and i practically LIVE in atl.
My door is open in Alexandria now. I’ve healed but I’m cautious bcuz I’ve given my all and received silence. So if you truly wish to vibe drop me an inbox. If not pls don’t just UNFOLLOW me…delete me. I wish you all the best & Gods Grace.

Because I had to…

IMG_20160507_065851

Brother…
You don’t think I wanted to be softer…
I could have acquiesced
made myself smaller
Less smart, more timid
Play the game
plead DESPIRATION
&r
Snare me a man
I could have
opened my valley
exuded sensual aromas
to Entice
Become
Betty Crocker, Aunt Jemima and
Chef Boy Ardee
to
Keep a man…
But
Would it have been
Should it have been
worth
Losing Me…

Disproportionate numbers of MEN
Who
by the Grace of God
and
PROPER upbringing
were raised
to
Meet, Get to Know & Love
A Partner
instead of
A Subservient
Are too few to measure.
And those that
Couldn’t, wouldn’t or chose not to
Simply Rationalize
By Branding Me
IMTIMIDATING

I will wear it…

IF IM TOO STRONG FOR YOU
So be it…
But what you fail to realize is
STRONG WOMEN
are willing
to
Love you
Totally
Support you
Wholeheartedly
Sex you
Completely
&
When Im cared for in kind
I will
Ride or Die
4U

XO, Amaezing🌹