Good Friday 2016 838 pm. Spirit Flt 821 heading for Atlanta.
How did I get here?
What a difference a life takes.
I never envisioned my life would end up friend-deficient, family-absent and partnerless.
I mean I went to the G&D school for loving relationships. (My folks Granville &Dorothy)
I guess the problem is while earning my PhD in unconditionally loving, Ride or Die
I also got a degree (My Masters) in Expertly detecting and identifying Bullshit. Needless to say one can work efficiently but often work towards negating the other.
I’ve learned to live w/o malice enriched with forethought out of necessity and not desire. I’ve often admitted I don’t like many people so I don’t engage those I find droll and of no recourse for me.
This doesn’t make me cocky it allows my free will to discern that which or who sustains me daily. I can work and interact with many but I socialize or commune with very few. I even eschew the regulatory work events unless I absolutely have to attend. My Coworkers and professional cohorts know it’s not my thing.
I’ve dated loved and married medium size life Men. I also had an affair. He was one who thought he lived and loved large. His belief was merely deeply rooted in his Southern Boy Lifestyle and upbringing. Over time I chipped away at every nuance, excuse, rhetoric, and entitlement he felt he had. Being me I fell deep and loved deeper but upon realizing as Aretha sang “I was just a Link in your Chain” I mustered all my Faith, Courage, Conviction and Hutzpah and told him Kiss my Azz. It took quite a while to heal but heal I did.
The Hubs all started with the best of intention. #1 was my Puppy Love and we went way down the river past love into the land of WTH? Moral never marry to keep from being lonely and alone amidst two popular and rowdy families. The Divine did reward us while we walked the required steps toward marrydom complete with house and dog. We had two kids My Heartbeats and my reasons to keep going.
#2 was my first foray into Cougar/Cub Territory. He was a Smart Cub but an adversarial protege. Who wanted to turn the Hunter into the Hunted. I Wasn’t having it. Somewhere along the line unfortunately I convinced myself that romantic lust mixed was Mensa was life sustaining and I allowed it to linger if not flourish. Until I intuitively decided one day I’d had enough. He left surly and it wasn’t until later I discovered that his plans for me might have bordered on diabolical. I literally stumbled into saving my own life.
#3…I married twice. Why? loss, fear, infatuation and his reasoning I. MESMERIZED Him. He was a cub too but I thought him being a common man and hard worker would equate to being “Like My Daddy”. For 10 years we molded clay into rubble. I am still kicking my own azz over becoming the sacrificial lamb instead of the equally yoked partner. I was yoked alright but by an Albatross. The Rancid Smell lingers still.
I was sent a SaviorFriend and we clicked. Can we say Yin Yang? However it, we, us were, was and are not to be. It sucks Major Azz. But as I’ve come to oh so realize.
If Someone Loves You wanting you should never be an issue. Nor do you ever have to make someone or cajole someone to want to be with you.
So here I sit. In my first class seat with my solitary life… smiling on route to see my GrandGems and my Heartbeats.
If Friends never again materialize It was fun while it lasted.
If Family never reappear….like the tree in the woods that falls…is there a sound if no one hears? Is there a tree if no one sees?
If it Comes it Comes
Come with Conviction not motive
Yes I’m AMAEZING but I’m also Vulnerable
I like everyone else would love someone to care…