Her, Him, Me

I’m not gonna be maudlin this year so let me wish you all a Bless-ed Mothers Day. My Mama is with me too. When the sun shines i think of her. After my mom died i was obsessed with sunrises. i would rise at four and five and sit outside on my back deck and watch it. Some mornings would bring beautiful memories, some mornings would bring reality of the family struggle, the tug of war, the maliciousness that follows the loss of someone great. I swallowed a lot of tears in that first month after her passing. I drove to Palmyra (approximately an hour and some away from Richmond) daily after she passed to check on my Daddy. Although two sisters lived in close proximity to him, one was caught up in her own grief and thoughts of what she couldve done differently for her mom when she was… Continue reading

Big Boned, FAT or Phat

Today is a FAT day. we all have them. This isn’t a gender posting even though i will refer to how fat relates to men and to women. Generalities abound. Morning comes and we rise, sleep encrusted, we shake it off and head to the bathroom. Upon entering the bathroom we come face to face with the mirror. The mirror is our best friend or our worst enemy. We look through the haze of ocular shadows and glide our hands over the areas we daily take to task. Today is a fat day for me. I feel bloaty, i feel water retained, and my thighs look more cellulite-y then usual. My stomach has the familiar lower section pooch but it seems bigger. (and peeing didn’t shrink it like it does most mornings) My Tits seem to be slowly easing closer to my navel. At this point i stand straight shoulders… Continue reading

2nd Sunday in May….Lordt

LOST BLOGSPOT POSTS FOUND May 2, 2014 I’ve come to abhor the second sunday in May…(for Dorothy Elizabeth White) #1 The Bio… I was born in 1955 to a man i can’t begin to tell you how much i idolized. (RIP Daddy) and to woman who was EVERYTHING to me. Her name is/was Dorothy Elizabeth White. I want to pay homage to the woman who inspired me to always be present.. My mother was born August 10th 1925 to Ernest and Mollie White. She grew up in segregated Virginia, Palmyra in Fluvanna County. She was a hard working child being the oldest daughter in the family. My grandfather died long before i came along but he was said to be a mean man. Mama “looked” different (or so he felt) from the other gurls. That and feeling that my grandmother “stepped out” on him caused him to be violent even… Continue reading

Fuck it…I Chose Me

Gday Luvs😘 Realization and Growth Is a Powerful Duo & All the Motivational Memes in the World cant help you if you ain’t ready 2See…2Live…2Be I pulled the trigger & hit the target square in CenterMass…✌ Replaced Doubt with Determination Traded Possibility for Peace Considered Sensibility over Sacrifice Whispered to Myself “Fuck It” & I Chose Me….💜 Continue reading

Flying Blind…

Good Friday 2016 838 pm. Spirit Flt 821 heading for Atlanta. How did I get here? What a difference a life takes. I never envisioned my life would end up friend-deficient, family-absent and partnerless. I mean I went to the G&D school for loving relationships. (My folks Granville &Dorothy) I guess the problem is while earning my PhD in unconditionally loving, Ride or Die I also got a degree (My Masters) in Expertly detecting and identifying Bullshit. Needless to say one can work efficiently but often work towards negating the other. I’ve learned to live w/o malice enriched with forethought out of necessity and not desire. I’ve often admitted I don’t like many people so I don’t engage those I find droll and of no recourse for me. This doesn’t make me cocky it allows my free will to discern that which or who sustains me daily. I can work… Continue reading

Hunger no More

Love is a dish best served. The temperature of the dish matters not. The temperature is a personal preference. Once you realize you’ve stumbled upon the missing ingredient… your palate, your hunger, thirst, need and desire are forever changed. Our NEEDS start out basic and simple. Somewhere across the span of our journey we are led to believe that our needs must increase exponentially to match our wants. The question “what do you want” is introduced into our psyche from early on. Because we can think it, or envision it we believe we WANT it hence we must need it. We look we see we copy we emulate we postulate and decide from sight that THEY have it so I should want that too. We CHANGE our recipe forcibly teaching ourselves to feed, eat and learn to enjoy it. We forgo our recipe and go shopping inadvisably. Many of our… Continue reading

Hunger no More

Love is a dish best served. The temperature of the dish matters not. The temperature is a personal preference. Once you realize you’ve stumbled upon the missing ingredient… your palate, your hunger, thirst, need and desire are forever changed. Our NEEDS start out basic and simple. Somewhere across the span of our journey we are led to believe that our needs must increase exponentially to match our wants. The question “what do you want” is introduced into our psyche from early on. Because we can think it, or envision it we believe we WANT it hence we must need it. We look we see we copy we emulate we postulate and decide from sight that THEY have it so I should want that too. We CHANGE our recipe forcibly teaching ourselves to feed, eat and learn to enjoy it. We forgo our recipe and go shopping inadvisably. Many of our… Continue reading

#PartyofOne

I’ve Encouraged Enlightened Entertained & Enjoyed all thee Every Women who Ever Entered My Life… Funny how Bless-sed Reciprocation Should Reign… Disturbing how Empty Envy Elated Evisceration & Effort-filled Egos Enjoy their Perceived Shallow & Hollow Effortless Attempts at Ignoring my Existence While Celebrating My Perceived Defeats… Luckily I was Birthed, Raised, Taught, Schooled, Bred, Revered & UNCONDITIONALLY Loved By The ULTIMATE Female Cheerleader & I’ve Passed it on… While Paying it Forward #PartyofOne Continue reading

Recovery

Yesterday I received my Lone Christmas card. It was from my Ex Mother in Law. The pang it caused surprised me. I had finally opened my heart to let his family in. I finally felt as if the years of loss in my life could be smoothed over with new members. It was at this junction that he decided he had no more love to give and he snatched it all away. Next to losing Ms Margaret who reminded me so much of my Mama… I miss my Mother in Law most of all. He told me He will always love me. He said he never knew Love could exist like mine. When asked why so long so much so deceptive so confusing and yes so manipulative his reply was… You MESMERIZED me Audrey. We often wonder in our lives what was the Lesson in any given situation. Mine was… Continue reading

I didn’t Hear the Bell…(there are signs everywhere)

I thought this morning you would finally come thru Daddy… Your presence loomed large this morning. I haven’t given up on having you manifest before me. I see glimpses of you in Mason. I’m fascinated by him and his carefree wonder of the world. His cavalier “why not” demeanor…his quick eye and quiet rapier wit. That’s all you. Him and Peyton helped bring the magic back to living, to being. I was sent a new Best Friend of the Soul.. who also stole my heart, lungs, mind and most of my sensibilities. He allows me to see the strong resilient man that was you. Larger then life and taking on the worlds and everyones woes. But like you sacrificing himself for perceived greater good. Its uncanny how much he’s like you. He kept me from drowning Daddy…much like you would have when ill wind blew and waves grew tidal. Did… Continue reading