Fuck it…I Chose Me

Gday Luvs😘 Realization and Growth Is a Powerful Duo & All the Motivational Memes in the World cant help you if you ain’t ready 2See…2Live…2Be I pulled the trigger & hit the target square in CenterMass…✌ Replaced Doubt with Determination Traded Possibility for Peace Considered Sensibility over Sacrifice Whispered to Myself “Fuck It” & I Chose Me….💜 Continue reading

Flying Blind…

Good Friday 2016 838 pm. Spirit Flt 821 heading for Atlanta. How did I get here? What a difference a life takes. I never envisioned my life would end up friend-deficient, family-absent and partnerless. I mean I went to the G&D school for loving relationships. (My folks Granville &Dorothy) I guess the problem is while earning my PhD in unconditionally loving, Ride or Die I also got a degree (My Masters) in Expertly detecting and identifying Bullshit. Needless to say one can work efficiently but often work towards negating the other. I’ve learned to live w/o malice enriched with forethought out of necessity and not desire. I’ve often admitted I don’t like many people so I don’t engage those I find droll and of no recourse for me. This doesn’t make me cocky it allows my free will to discern that which or who sustains me daily. I can work … Continue reading

Hunger no More

Love is a dish best served. The temperature of the dish matters not. The temperature is a personal preference. Once you realize you’ve stumbled upon the missing ingredient… your palate, your hunger, thirst, need and desire are forever changed. Our NEEDS start out basic and simple. Somewhere across the span of our journey we are led to believe that our needs must increase exponentially to match our wants. The question “what do you want” is introduced into our psyche from early on. Because we can think it, or envision it we believe we WANT it hence we must need it. We look we see we copy we emulate we postulate and decide from sight that THEY have it so I should want that too. We CHANGE our recipe forcibly teaching ourselves to feed, eat and learn to enjoy it. We forgo our recipe and go shopping inadvisably. Many of our … Continue reading

Hunger no More

Love is a dish best served. The temperature of the dish matters not. The temperature is a personal preference. Once you realize you’ve stumbled upon the missing ingredient… your palate, your hunger, thirst, need and desire are forever changed. Our NEEDS start out basic and simple. Somewhere across the span of our journey we are led to believe that our needs must increase exponentially to match our wants. The question “what do you want” is introduced into our psyche from early on. Because we can think it, or envision it we believe we WANT it hence we must need it. We look we see we copy we emulate we postulate and decide from sight that THEY have it so I should want that too. We CHANGE our recipe forcibly teaching ourselves to feed, eat and learn to enjoy it. We forgo our recipe and go shopping inadvisably. Many of our … Continue reading

#PartyofOne

I’ve Encouraged Enlightened Entertained & Enjoyed all thee Every Women who Ever Entered My Life… Funny how Bless-sed Reciprocation Should Reign… Disturbing how Empty Envy Elated Evisceration & Effort-filled Egos Enjoy their Perceived Shallow & Hollow Effortless Attempts at Ignoring my Existence While Celebrating My Perceived Defeats… Luckily I was Birthed, Raised, Taught, Schooled, Bred, Revered & UNCONDITIONALLY Loved By The ULTIMATE Female Cheerleader & I’ve Passed it on… While Paying it Forward #PartyofOne Continue reading

Recovery

Yesterday I received my Lone Christmas card. It was from my Ex Mother in Law. The pang it caused surprised me. I had finally opened my heart to let his family in. I finally felt as if the years of loss in my life could be smoothed over with new members. It was at this junction that he decided he had no more love to give and he snatched it all away. Next to losing Ms Margaret who reminded me so much of my Mama… I miss my Mother in Law most of all. He told me He will always love me. He said he never knew Love could exist like mine. When asked why so long so much so deceptive so confusing and yes so manipulative his reply was… You MESMERIZED me Audrey. We often wonder in our lives what was the Lesson in any given situation. Mine was … Continue reading

I didn’t Hear the Bell…(there are signs everywhere)

I thought this morning you would finally come thru Daddy… Your presence loomed large this morning. I haven’t given up on having you manifest before me. I see glimpses of you in Mason. I’m fascinated by him and his carefree wonder of the world. His cavalier “why not” demeanor…his quick eye and quiet rapier wit. That’s all you. Him and Peyton helped bring the magic back to living, to being. I was sent a new Best Friend of the Soul.. who also stole my heart, lungs, mind and most of my sensibilities. He allows me to see the strong resilient man that was you. Larger then life and taking on the worlds and everyones woes. But like you sacrificing himself for perceived greater good. Its uncanny how much he’s like you. He kept me from drowning Daddy…much like you would have when ill wind blew and waves grew tidal. Did … Continue reading

Heart&Bones

It took 13 yrs to get here. Losing My Mama & My Family’s need 4 Blame in their Loss… (As if MINE wasn’t enough) Changed me forever…. It took 4.999 years to get here. Losing My Dad & My Family’s need 4 Blame (As if MINE didn’t almost take me under) Shut Doors I thought would stay shut 4ever… But with Time 4ever may just become Hopefilled Change Tday & Xmas lost their shine… Partying w/Fake became mundane A lifelong Frenemy was Revealed & Coupled Support Became Veiled Time Killed With an Escape Artist & instead of Support I bore…. Heartbreak… 2015… Cruel2BeKind but…. I’ve Learned I’ve Lived I’ve Kept Faith & now I LOVE I BELIEVE… THE LOSSES WILL NEVER LEAVE ME… Heart&Bones have healed… but The Pieces are FOREVER Set Differently Continue reading

Reaching the You…

Over the course of this year I grew up… I had been hoping wishing and reaching for milestone moments foolishly missing the point AND the accomplishments along the way. I’ve always been one to plaudit the feats of another. I would sing a persons praise shouting from the rooftops to those who would listen. Yet secretly silently begrudgingly wondering if anyone noticed…ME because The Muse was bleeding to death… Lack of my lover’s appreciation, omission of my husband’s devotion and unearthed disdain towards me from family and friends I’ve held dear almost KILLED me several times over. Its frequently left me adrift…desperately clutching to the driftwood of cleverly disguised lifelines… And as the wood splintered with the loss of those that didnt truly care…my strokes turned to treading the waters lest I drown. My life preservers lost their air 13 and 4.5 years ago… My two arm floats expand and … Continue reading

Soul2Soul

For 47 years She was here with me… She outlasted RA & 19 or so Surgeries Including 2 knee & one hip replacement If places events & people Brought her Wonder I made it happen Highlights for her were… Yankees, LA Dodgers Ice Capades Scott Hamilton flip Dorothy Hamil Dick Weber signed an autograph 4 her & She flew to England w/me She saw all 7 of her Grandchildren become Adults… She BABYSAT every one… She was the ORIGINAL Nana And now She lives ETERNAL with me SOUL 2 SOUL… #IWONTCOMPLAIN Continue reading