#PartyofOne

I’ve Encouraged Enlightened Entertained & Enjoyed all thee Every Women who Ever Entered My Life… Funny how Bless-sed Reciprocation Should Reign… Disturbing how Empty Envy Elated Evisceration & Effort-filled Egos Enjoy their Perceived Shallow & Hollow Effortless Attempts at Ignoring my Existence While Celebrating My Perceived Defeats… Luckily I was Birthed, Raised, Taught, Schooled, Bred, Revered & UNCONDITIONALLY Loved By The ULTIMATE Female Cheerleader & I’ve Passed it on… While Paying it Forward #PartyofOne Continue reading

Recovery

Yesterday I received my Lone Christmas card. It was from my Ex Mother in Law. The pang it caused surprised me. I had finally opened my heart to let his family in. I finally felt as if the years of loss in my life could be smoothed over with new members. It was at this junction that he decided he had no more love to give and he snatched it all away. Next to losing Ms Margaret who reminded me so much of my Mama… I miss my Mother in Law most of all. He told me He will always love me. He said he never knew Love could exist like mine. When asked why so long so much so deceptive so confusing and yes so manipulative his reply was… You MESMERIZED me Audrey. We often wonder in our lives what was the Lesson in any given situation. Mine was… Continue reading

I didn’t Hear the Bell…(there are signs everywhere)

I thought this morning you would finally come thru Daddy… Your presence loomed large this morning. I haven’t given up on having you manifest before me. I see glimpses of you in Mason. I’m fascinated by him and his carefree wonder of the world. His cavalier “why not” demeanor…his quick eye and quiet rapier wit. That’s all you. Him and Peyton helped bring the magic back to living, to being. I was sent a new Best Friend of the Soul.. who also stole my heart, lungs, mind and most of my sensibilities. He allows me to see the strong resilient man that was you. Larger then life and taking on the worlds and everyones woes. But like you sacrificing himself for perceived greater good. Its uncanny how much he’s like you. He kept me from drowning Daddy…much like you would have when ill wind blew and waves grew tidal. Did… Continue reading

Heart&Bones

It took 13 yrs to get here. Losing My Mama & My Family’s need 4 Blame in their Loss… (As if MINE wasn’t enough) Changed me forever…. It took 4.999 years to get here. Losing My Dad & My Family’s need 4 Blame (As if MINE didn’t almost take me under) Shut Doors I thought would stay shut 4ever… But with Time 4ever may just become Hopefilled Change Tday & Xmas lost their shine… Partying w/Fake became mundane A lifelong Frenemy was Revealed & Coupled Support Became Veiled Time Killed With an Escape Artist & instead of Support I bore…. Heartbreak… 2015… Cruel2BeKind but…. I’ve Learned I’ve Lived I’ve Kept Faith & now I LOVE I BELIEVE… THE LOSSES WILL NEVER LEAVE ME… Heart&Bones have healed… but The Pieces are FOREVER Set Differently Continue reading

Reaching the You…

Over the course of this year I grew up… I had been hoping wishing and reaching for milestone moments foolishly missing the point AND the accomplishments along the way. I’ve always been one to plaudit the feats of another. I would sing a persons praise shouting from the rooftops to those who would listen. Yet secretly silently begrudgingly wondering if anyone noticed…ME because The Muse was bleeding to death… Lack of my lover’s appreciation, omission of my husband’s devotion and unearthed disdain towards me from family and friends I’ve held dear almost KILLED me several times over. Its frequently left me adrift…desperately clutching to the driftwood of cleverly disguised lifelines… And as the wood splintered with the loss of those that didnt truly care…my strokes turned to treading the waters lest I drown. My life preservers lost their air 13 and 4.5 years ago… My two arm floats expand and… Continue reading

Soul2Soul

For 47 years She was here with me… She outlasted RA & 19 or so Surgeries Including 2 knee & one hip replacement If places events & people Brought her Wonder I made it happen Highlights for her were… Yankees, LA Dodgers Ice Capades Scott Hamilton flip Dorothy Hamil Dick Weber signed an autograph 4 her & She flew to England w/me She saw all 7 of her Grandchildren become Adults… She BABYSAT every one… She was the ORIGINAL Nana And now She lives ETERNAL with me SOUL 2 SOUL… #IWONTCOMPLAIN Continue reading

I want the Marvelous

Quote from Anais Min…. **I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls** ME? I’m a Lover of the Intoxification. I am a Lover of Truth. and my Truth is I facilitate but am never facilitated. Once the Fire dies…I must detach… Or I won’t Recover… For I need to know The Burn exists The waning does not happen right away but over time. The amount of time is based on my perception of the magnitude of the lie told and the life perpetrated. I’ve been adored but… Continue reading

8 years….Reflection

This photo is ICONIC for me. 8 years ago I asked an Ex Lover to take a DoveShot for me… At that time Dove had a campaign to show your true self. That picture was my interpretation of Natural…the key was to Strip Naked but not Show Naked…I was Amazed with the result. I’ve looked at it often over the years and relied on it for years in times of Need… to reharness my strength. Over these past eight years a lot has happened. Some Good some Not so Good some Great. I lost my Dad… Funny, that sounds like he wandered off instead of deciding to Join his Love…My Mom…He ascended in 2011 and his 5th anniversary is around the corner. I picture them together. I thank them for channeling some of their spirit into the Twins… The Gems are where I find my Peace on Earth now. I… Continue reading

My 2nd Best Birthday Present

SHE WOULD NOT WANT ME MOURNFUL ON MY BIRTHDAY… SHE LOVED MUCH TOO DEEPLY FOR THAT… SHE LOVED AUTHENTICALLY SHE LOVED HONESTLY SHE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY… I brought my Mama home to Die on my Bday… 11/20 We made the decision on the 19th… on the 20th, My Dad (after I discussed it with him and Doc) told Doc ours & My Mama’s wishes… I signed DNR papers Hospice papers & left to go meet the ambulance… Placing her in Her Bed She kept whispering Thank you Thank you I placed her face in my hands & asked Thanks for what Mama? She smiled a bit & said “FOR EVERYTHING…” #NOGREATERGIFT BESIDES MY DAUGHTERS BIRTH ON WHAT IS NOW OUR BIRTHDAY… THIS WILL ALWAYS BE MY NEXT BEST PRESENT…. SHE ASCENDED 11/22 at Home #GodBlessHospice #ImAHospiceTrainedVolunteer #DaughterisHospiceMSW The magnitude of the connection of time and advent of days will never leave… Continue reading

WTF?!

Jim you are in my head this morning. My BroInLaw posted a meme on his FB page. I was shocked cuz I was mulling over this very thought while laying in bed. I was thinking how men and women have UNFORTUNATELY taught themselves that life in all is truimph tragedy wonder and glory is better navigated ALONE. Its not necessarily because they want to but because theyve lulled themselves into living this NEW UN-NORMAL. A premise of not living a co-joined life seems so widely accepted its daunting to me. It appears to be a factual way of life these days instead of one realizing its simply a causative aftermath of relational missteps and false starts…. DAMN SHAME…. For ME *The EFFORT to care is always worth the Attempt* EVERY PERSON IS NOT A BAD PERSON. & EVERYBODY HAD ISSUES…. if I believed it were over because I LEGALLY committed… Continue reading