12 yrs….

I think ive done good today… I’ve been as happy as I could be… but we are home now and we were talking abt family… About Mothers… Mr’s Mom…is still alive and present and he hopes that lasts for yrs to come. He said he can’t imagine her gone….and he asked me “how long has it been for your mom?” My answer…… 12 years TODAY….XO I didnt speak on it earlier…I was determined to live the day and not mourn the day…at least not outwardly for the world to see. I responded to him…” to lose your Mama…there are no words…” I only talk abt her with Mr. and my Kids…and we dont reminisce often with each other but individually we remember, we miss and we continue to move forward…even though sometimes it seems an impossible task. But Today I’ve done her proud because for the first time in these… Continue reading

Tday, Xday & Comfort Zones

One of my Sistergurl posted today how she wished the holidays were over already. HOW WELL I KNOW THAT FEELING…. It been a wash for me since 2002. When my mom died a week b4 Thanksgiving. Tday was always her fav. My life became being near and watching over my dad. So each Tday after that I would take him to the golden corral in Charlottesville where he could eat reminisce and chill. That Xmas was rough for him. He stayed the whole month till NY day with me. And so Xmas became abt reflection for me. It’s caused problems fore and Mr cuz he’s abt family being together presents celebration and All of it. But in 2010 under much duress Daddy let me come get him and take him with me to my son in laws and daughters house. They had all his family over. Our fam was me,… Continue reading

11/20/55 & 11/20/78 Mother, Daughter, Sistergurls, Friends

Each year as our day approaches I get maudlin, almost weepy.  As the years go by I also get hit with a tidal wave of emotion.  I reminisce about the story surrounding my birth and I bathe in the knowledge that My Divine bestowed the unbelievable gift of sending my soul to my Mama. I have told this story before. My Mama had been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis almost eight years before she had me.  It was active and it hit her broadside and it was painful.  While dealing with all that and already raising 3 other daughters she decided (she told me she got a strong feeling) that she wanted to have another baby. Now mind you my dad was dead set against it.  He felt they had quite enough people in the house and that he had to provide support for.  Mama said she knew different and she knew she “had”… Continue reading

What is for me is for me…

My life has been a journey of massive contradictions.  Ive loved with my whole heart yet have not been able to sustain a lifelong love throughout my lifetime.  Ive been married three times. (four if you count marrying #3 twice) I met, got to know and fell in love with each man differently and under varied circumstances.  #1 was my childhood sweetheart.  It was love at first sight for me. It was something about him.  He…admired at first sight, not trusting his instincts. (that should have been a clue….but at 14 what does anyone know) We bonded over need.  His need to leave his crazy home environment for some peace of mind and peace in general.  My need was to have someone who not only appreciated my brilliance but made me feel special in it.  Needless to say because of our life’s inefficiencies we clung too much, wished too hard and… Continue reading

Hair Today… Gone Tomorrow…Beauty Remains…

Hair…Everybody has their own opinions, desires and none of us seem to be happy with what we have. The old adage that if its straight we want curly and vice versa. If we don’t have hair nowadays we go buy it and adorn ourselves with the vision of beauty in our minds eye.  We have the afrocentric who feel its our God given right to be who and as we are.  We have religious hair grown or shaved to bring us closer to our vision/version of the Spirit. Then you have the ones who diversify not for a movie role or for fun…but because their look their locks are directly tied to their emotional well being.  This is where i live.   I was born with semi good hair.  I had waves and some curls and not too many naps. Even though my morning comb outs and braid sessions weren’t… Continue reading

Aint that about a Bitch!!!

#LIFES ONE CONSTANT IS CHANGE… Day to day realizations come and go.  Sometimes they enter your minds eye as a flicker of a thought, while other times they dart in and dart right back out.  You can deal with the notions…What was that? or What was I thinking about? Convince yourself that it/they were nothing and keep on moving forward. When day to day realizations become the norm and not the exception, or you find yourself holding out hope for sooner than later, something is indeed amiss.  You piece the puzzle together and your body and soul gently suggest to your mind…PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS. I am an intelligent woman but I have a severe BLIND SPOT in my makeup.  I love wholeheartedly, without reservation and BLINDLY without thought to my own wonders, willingness, hopes, dreams or NEEDS.  I am not talking about just the love of a good man…but love and loving all in my… Continue reading

What would you Say?

I was Given a Gift 2day…I love thought provoking questions… IN ONE OF MY GROUPS ON FB THE QUESTION WAS ASKED…”If you could go back and tell your younger self something what would it be and how old would your younger self be? MY REPLY: Dear A …..Your heart your kindness your ability to love, care, do and be for people will be taken for granted, lied on, talked about and pigeon holed. Even by those closest to u…Judas had NOTHING on ur detractors. ALL OF THIS WILL STING, MAIM AND ALMOST KILL UR SPIRIT…BUT U WILL SURVIVE…so don’t change U. Just try to be more disconcerting abt those u let in…. I would have told MY 35y.o. SELF that. That was when I separated from Hubs #1…and LEFT NJ… That was when the road became a winding road… #1 and I married young but the love was TRUE and… Continue reading

MyAngel

***9/14/2007 My Babydog was Born… ***11/2007 I traveled 2.5 hours w/my daughter to buy a White West Highland Terrier (Westie) because I saw a Caesars Dog Commercial and thought the dog was cute. (Further research also proved they are very smart, well behaved but moody) ***2007 My Sister passed (RIP Paula) and My Cousin (RIP Jeffrey) a day apart…and my year wasn’t stellar…A friend knew of my plight and my Interest and Gifted me my opportunity for Happy around my Bday (11/20) ***I didn’t pick my Doggie the Trainer/Breeder/ Owner places the pups on the floor and allow them to gravitate to a prospective Buyer/new Owner…I thought that was magical. ***There were 5 pups most were wire(y) hair but one pup had some curly hair with a patch of off white stripe down her back…and she came over and rested on my foot. The Owner said she knew it would… Continue reading