The 2nd Awakening

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Luvs 💜💜💜

Some musings for your pleasure of Part Two of my Sojourn.   Epiphanies are happening for sure…in and thru and around me.  My restlessness prompts me for decisions, actions and change.

Only the non existent refuse to evolve. Everything I thought I had, everyone I thought I knew… the visions have changed and the facades are falling away.

In this 2nd stillness, veils are being lifted allowing Brilliance to manifest again.

In this constant evolutionary journey, Ive missed Love.  In this period of solitude and discovery Ive needed, wanted and craved Lust.  Superficial has never interested me nor have the objects of the offers. There have been many who feigned to be “enlightened” to pique my interest…only to falter once the real is known & shown.  My Spiritual Emotional Alchemy moves fluidly leaving those of reason baffled and somewhat defensive. I choose 2lanquish in the ocean…it is My Depth that unnerves.  Sorry not sorry for those that cannot swim.

Ive come to the conclusion that attraction may not only be a misnomer but virtually non existent. Sometimes Men can’t seem to get out of their own way.  Feelings, and fear seem to run parallel. Giving all takes more then just strength and courage but also the desire of conviction.

It is a mans desire for wholeness, that wanes. Not carnally but soulfully. Superficial replaces depth; allowing one the false bravado to offer rationales to explain away the hesitancy.

People have to want to engage and be engaged.  This is primarily vital to learn and teach.  Sight and the seeking must accompany the attempt to elevate, soar and discover.
The levels and depths I give, care, know relate and reveal few if any can match. At this point in my quest I venture to say even fewer would want to attempt.

I’ve been told often that I ooze sex. “OKKKK”….but… I also allow the fluidity of my love 2quench, to overflow and that scares the hell out of most.  Many women unfortunately choose to cloak themselves.  Me? I bare all and I will honor Me until the end.
I’ve given my all and found nothing sustainable in return except the gift of my progeny.  Even that was Celestially Ordained.  Now I will either receive immeasurably or not…To thine own self be true.

My fire feeds me and the flame has set me ablaze. I’m Anticipatory but also Alert and Aware.  I will continue to Search and Seek and Learn. I’m ravenous for contact with more depth. Thankfully I’m also acutely aware now more than ever….

I will not Starve.

 

Visitation & Manifestation

 

#BEGINAGAIN

Morpheus taught Neo
that
In the Construct
We shape & Mold
our Reality.

This morning I awoke
Tired of
Sleep encrusted
Self imposed
Worrisome visions
of
Nothingness
bcuz of always wondering
who is responsible
what’s happened to me
when did I lose sight
where I’ve landed
&
why….

1. I AM RESPONSIBLE
2. LIFE HAPPENED TO ME
3. I BLINDLY LOVED
4. I CRASHED DOWN @
THE CORNER OF PITY &
INDECISION
&
5. BLAME(D) EVERYTHING,
EVERYONE,
EVERYWHERE AROUND
ME

BOOM POW CRASH!!!!

Today
I woke the Fuck up

Tuesday
I had a Visitation
from My Daddy
right smack dab in the middle of
Golden Corral….
My explanation
nor
Your understanding
is not necessary

I UNDERSTAND

I WILL BEGIN AGAIN
I HAVE SET FIRE TO THE OLD CONSTRUCT

AS A BABE…
I WILL BE OPEN, ALERT AND WATCHFUL
AND I WILL FIND
WONDER IN THE ORDINARY & THE SUBLIME

I KNOW NOT WHAT IT MEANS OF YET
NOR DO I CARE TO

THE EYES OF MY EYES
ARE OPEN
I BELIEVE, I WILL IT
AND
I MANIFEST

DAY ONE…CHAPTER ONE…
The Journey Begins
Http://therealamaezingaj. com

 

#SpiritualAlchemist

 

 

How’d I Do?

 

 

 

 

 

QUESTIONS FOR YOU AT 50

I saw this posted and decided to do a check in with myself.

The pic on the left I was 52 actually. The right I just turned 60.

In a few months half a hundred will be 12 years behind me. My road from 50 to 61.9999 has been paved with guts and glory.  So this poll will be as good a gauge as any…

Here we go:

1. An old boyfriend who makes you smile with melancholy when you remember him and an old boyfriend who makes you proud of how far you’ve come.* CHECK – EVEN THO OUR PARTING WASNT SMOOTH, D WAS A LIFELINE AND A BEST FRIEND WHEN I NEEDED ONE.  J WAS A CHALLENGE TO MY SOUL LOINS AND SPIRIT – MENSA MATERIAL BUT HE COULDNT OUTFOX OUT BEGUILE OR OUTSMART THIS DIVA

2. A piece of furniture that has never been previously owned by anyone in your family that you bought with your own money and makes you happy.* CHECK – IVE GOT VERY EXPENSIVE LEATHER FURNITURE I PURCHASED 13 YEARS AGO AND IT STILL LOOKS LIKE NEW…AND RECENTLY IVE GIFTED MY KIDS WITH IT

3. An outfit that makes you feel invincible if your future employer or man of your dreams calls to meet you in an hour.* CHECK – IVE ALWAYS BEEN UNSTOPPABLE IN BLACK & WHITE IN MY PROFESSION. I FIND ITS OFT PUTTING TO SOME WHICH I ENJOY. AND NO ONE HAS NOTHING ON THIS LADY IN RED!!! I CAN STOP TRAFFIC AND OFTEN HAVE.
4. A set of lingerie that you would not be ashamed to be seen wearing.* CHECK – BUSTIER OR BODY SUIT YOU DECIDE WHILE I STRUT.
5. At least one scar on your heart where HE hurt you.* CHECK – IVE APOLOGIZED TO MY HEART A TIME OR TWO. SHE IS ME AND I AM HER – HELD TOGETHER WITH THE TEAR SOAKED SINEWS OF HOPE & UNBREAKABLE BONDING SOUL GLUE
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.* CHECK – 2 EBOOKS IN THE WORKS AND NOVEL BY YEARS END. AMBITIOUS YES BUT WTH NOT
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it. 1/2 CHECK – TELL THE TRUTH AND SHAME THE DEVIL. I DONT HAVE A BANKROLL SAVED BUT I WONT BE GREETING YOU AT THE WALMART EITHER. GOTTA KEEP MY HUSTLE GOING.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you.* CHECK – MINE ALL MINE
9. A dream so big it scares you.* CHECK – DEADLINES AND IMAGINATION MUST TRUMP FATIGUE AND SELF DOUBT
10. At least one friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.* CHECK – MY GROWN SON AND DAUGHTER. SHE IS THE DEADPAN REAL HUMORIST SHE SLAYS US WITH HER WORDS AND LOOKS. MY SON IS MY HEART TWIN HE FEELS WHAT I FEEL AND UNDERSTANDS AND ALLOWS ME MY PATHOS
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a pair of totally unpractical shoes. 3/4 CHECK – I HAVE THE SCREWDRIVERS IVE NEVER OWNED A DRILL AND MOST ALL MY SHOES ARE KICK AZZ. HEELS TILL I DIE.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.* CHECK – JEWELRY WOULD BE MY PURCHASE IVE GIVEN MOST OF IT AWAY BUT IVE ALSO KEPT A TRINKET OR TWO
13. The belief that you are worthy of treating yourself with respect.* CHECK – HELL THAT WAS INSTILLED IN ME FROM THE WOMB
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, a push-up bra and a great pair of Spankx. CHECK – SPECIFIC BEAUTY AND YOUNIQUE FOR MY SKIN, I WALK WHEN I FEEL THE NEED TO. ALL MY BRAS HAVE TO HOLD THE GIRLS UP. AND YES GAWD LYCRA ON THESE THIGHS PUHLEEZE
15. At least one recipe you cook well to impress the fussiest of guests.* CHECK – MY SPEGHETTI WILL GO DOWN IN INFAMY
16. A place to go just to think… where you can be completely alone with your thoughts.* CHECK – IM A DRIVER AND THE ROAD AND MUSIC BRING ME TO CENTER ALWAYS
17. At least one child who looks to you for guidance and advice . . . even if he or she isn’t your own.* CHECK – BOTH MY SON AND DAUGHTER – OUR BOND IS UNBREAKABLE
18. The knowledge on how to break-up with a man or confront a friend without losing your temper or your self-respect.* CHRCK – IN BOTH AREAS, ONCE IVE SAID MY PIECE IM DONE AND YOURE GONE
19. At least one lover who knew exactly how to touch you to make your toes curl.* CHECK – YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS AND MAY THEY CONTINUE 2CURL UNTIL I LEAVE THIS PLANE
20. The memory of a kiss so powerful . . . just the thought of it could sustain you into old age.* CHECK – BUT IMA KEEP ON KISSING IF THATS ALRIGHT
21. The medical history that runs in your family so you can take care of YOU!* CHECK – IM THE PSEUDO DOC IN OUR FAMILY. AND THE CURATOR OF MED HX WRITE UPS FOR EVERYBODY. AND THE PSEUDO PHARMACIST EVERYONE ASKS FOR ADVICE
22. The ability to live on your own and not be dependent on anyone.* CHECK – IVE BEEN ALONE MORE THEN IVE BEEN COUPLED AND HAVE HOUSED FOLKS AS WELL
23. An outfit that feels like you are in a cocoon and safe from the world . . . it’s usually fleece or flannel.* CHECK – IMA A PAJAMA GURL WHEN IM ALONE. & I SLEEP WITH A COMFORTER AND NUDE ALL YEAR LONG
24. The ability to let go of the hurts from your childhood and embrace the fact that your parents did the best they could with the skills they had.* CHECK – IM LUCKY IN THAT I HAD ABOUT AS  IDYLLIC A CHILDHOOD AS ONE COULD OF HAD – NO REGRETS
25. One secret that makes you smile.* CHECK – ALTHOUGH IM AN OPEN BOOK IVE GOT A THOUGHT OR TWO THAT ARE ALL MINE
26. A memory that makes you cringe . . . because those memories were lessons that brought you to here.* CHECK – IT WASNT MEANT FOR ME TO HAVE SURPRISES LIKE BIRTHDAYS OR VISITS
27. A journal full of your deepest thoughts.* CHECK – ITS CALLED MY BLOGS
28. A person you can call at 4 in the morning because you’re in a bind.* CHRCK – YES MY KIDS AND TWO MALE FRIENDS
29. The knowledge of what you are willing to accept and what you are not in a relationship.* CHECK – ITS BEEN FINELY HONED OVER TIME
30. Something you do that’s just for you and no one else.* CHECK – I SPEND MY TIME ALONE JUST ME
31. A piece of jewelry that has sentimental meaning.* CHECK – MAMAS ONYX AND GOLD RING I BOUGHT 4HER BEFORE SHE DIED
32. An older woman in your life who embodies the traits you want to develop in your old age.***MY OLDER HEROINES ARE GONE
33. A spirituality that feeds your spirit and nourishes your soul.* CHECK – YES “PEACE BE STILL”
34. A soundtrack to your life that when you hear it on the radio you sing at the top of your lungs.* CHECK – “ANGEL FLYING TOO CLOSE TO THE GROUND” WILLIE NELSON
35. Someone or something you LOVE with your whole heart.* CHECK – ME MYSELF AND I FIRST THEN OTHERS
36. A to-do list that never gets completely checked off.* CHECK – I ALWAYS CHECK OFF MY TO DO LIST. #OCD #ANAL
37. Enough money to run away in case you have to. CHECK – YES JUST IN CASE
38. A purpose to rise out of bed every morning.* CHECK – HEARTBEATS (MY KIDS) AND GEMS ( MY G- KIDS)
39. The ability to look in a mirror and love the ripples and bumps and wrinkles that stare back at you . . . because you earned them all over time.* CHECK – IMA GOOD LOOKING QUEEN & IM PLEASED WITH ME
40. The ability to say NO without having to add anything further.* CHECK – YUP RECENTLY EARNED
41. A hobby that you can get lost in for hours.* CHECK – READING AMD WRITING
42. A hole in your heart from losing someone you have loved deeply.* CHECK – I TRULY THOUGHT HE WOULD BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
43. Done at least one thing kind for someone that has no way to ever repay your kindness.* CHECK – MY LIFE HAS BEEN ONE OF SERVICE
44. A “Been there – Done that” t-shirt to starting over from scratch . . . whether it be from a divorce, a career change, a massive loss or surviving life’s curve ball.* CHECK – GIVING PERMISSION FOR MY PARENTS TO ASCEND. DIVORCES AND REBUILDING ME
45. A photo album full of memories . . . even if it’s on a flash drive or saved to the cloud.* CHECK – YES THEY SUSTAIN ME
46. A passport . . . up to date and ready to be stamped for the next adventure. CHECK – LETS GO
47. At least one grey hair, wrinkle and saggy body part. If you don’t, something’s wrong.* CHECK – YES AND THEY ARE EMBRACED
48. An accomplishment that’s all yours . . . outside of your children, not tied to your spouse . . . something you have done or created all on your own.* CHECK – DENTISTRY IS ALL MINE
49. The knowledge of who you are as a woman. What makes you happy and what is no longer tolerated.* CHECK – IM AN EMPATH, A MUSE AND BULLSHIT IS NO LONGER TOLERATED
50. The understanding that 50 is not over the hill . . . it’s not even close to the hill. There is no hill even on the horizon . . . because you still have shit to do.* CHECK – PUHLEEZE MOVE OUT THE WAY AND WATCH ME WORK!!!

Sowed and Reaped (we knew i’d tell it sooner or later)

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I woke up in peaceful thought this morning…and i surfed FB as i often do.
A FBFriend posted this meme and it stirred a reaction in me.
Here was my reply:
Oooh catching the Holy Ghost over this one…SOMEBODY HOLD MY MULE while I shout!!!!! It does take two to make a union and two to break a union. But there is also being kind. Not Stealth and not Deadly.
First, Do know Harm.

I spent ten years loving a man who didnt love himself. Did you ever see the TV show The Imposter? Where a man traveled and each place he went he put on a different persona? Well I married him not once but TWICE. The idiom “Love is Blind” has a picture of ME right next to it.

I love Whole and I love Hard which is vastly different from loving wholeheartedly. Wholeheartedness come from like then love followed by a preconceived script handed down from Woman to Woman. It gives a blueprint of the do’s dont’s and heres the ways to love and care for your man. Women then pick from the smorgasborg of options; the tasks that suit their scenario best. Then the women pray daily for the verve and drive to see it through.

NOT ME…Im a Muse…on a Mission. Ive also been called an Empath. An Empath is
a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. This is Me.

I knew early on in life that i was different i felt early on that it would be difficult to find one to love me through my depths. So i spent my first Two Acts of Life trying to conform, to fit in to blend. Only to realize its utterly impossible. I do NOT process things the way others do. My Parents realized this and raised me accordingly. What others saw as being spoiled was merely nurturing loving care to the Child they were entrusted to raise. We were an Unbreakable Triad. My lessons started from the Womb.

When i become enamored with someone they become the focus of my Empathy. i listen i watch i discuss i observe and THEN when i am comfortable i begin to feel. Depending on the situation, the encounter and the circumstances my feelings align accordingly.

If feeling is reciprocal it then becomes a slippery slope for me because i cant Half-Way…when i decide i go ALL IN.

Whole Love is the ability to maintain yourself while totally encompassing the Love and the Lover. The Hard is Sexy Provocative and Open. All one needs to do is WANT to love me back. I give above and beyond measure as it is possible. All i ask for is Him. I need, crave, desire and exist with and from PASSION. Without it the relationship must die, lest it kill me. Therein lies the rub.

Because of my Gifts ive always gravitated toward men i perceived Nurturers. In the Courtship and in the days, weeks and months that follow a love of new, im buoyed by the Passion shown. Thats when i turn on my inner light and shine to create the Protective Bubble for us to dwell. I explain IN DEPTH who i am and what i am and what i want. I was told with each encounter they understood and could acquiesce. They only “wanted me” they did not want to love me. Not whole and Not hard.

The last one i thought that with TLC would be the Love of my Life. I loved the juxtaposition of Creating the Man He could be against the tortured soul. I figured he would love me with Amazing Gratitude and Grace. All of this i furtively but foolheartedly believed because I found him in Church. I felt it was an assignment from The Heavenly Host to love this Man. Assuredly believing that as he grew into his own so would his love and ardor for me exponentially.
Like the plot twist in a horrid sitcom the opposite became true.

I love with all i have and its difficult to say no. To be a Muse and an Empath by design is to facilitate. My Love blinds my Vision and My Naivete rises to the surface. Summarily i became the scapegoat, the one least considered in his menagerie of family. His concept was for me to hop aboard and assist him in forging their lives forgoing our own.
The First Marriage was desparation and i could see it on his face. The goal was marry me and gain custody. My focus became halved but that wasnt enough because his focus locked in on his progeny, leaving me in the cold.
I walked away.

The Second Marriage came when i was wounded. My Center Root, My Father had died and ascended to join My Mother. I was bereft and he offered solace. I ate and drank his acidic rhetoric and bullshit like he was manna from heaven and grapes made into wine. Yet i forgot that wine that is not allowed to ferment and breathe is simply vinegar after all.

In order to save myself i had to kill my marriage. One day i sat down and told him either passion me, or it would not be him i’d find solace in. CONFORMISTS couldn’t. wouldn’t NEVER do that. They would simply Cheat. For me, to be and have Empathy is to be kind and true with my Heart when My Survival is on the line.

He finally admitted He couldnt love me. He needed “LessThan” and i deserved more. It crushed me to end in defeat. Then the change came. It seemed with his new found courage for confession he wanted to make me suffer the impending loss. He turned cold as ice and i felt abandoned. He secretly planned his exodus never worrying about the emotional, physical, mental, and financial carnage left behind.
OH SHE WILL BE ALRIGHT
OH SHE IS STRONG SHE’LL BOUNCE BACK
OH SHE MAKES THE MOST SO SHE CAN HANDLE THOSE BILLS
IVE GIVEN ENOUGH TIME TO THIS ITS MY TIME NOW
those phrases used to echo loudly in my ear keeping me awake at night. His sheer disregard for me astounded me.
So i packed all my things, borrowed money and escaped never to be with him again.

In the aftermath i took a sabbatical from love, men, and society, concentrating on me in repair. There was an Comforter along the way who saw This Angel flying too close to the ground and He assisted me in Patching my Broken Wings. After him i promised myself i will only Open, Feel, Emote and Love again…fot the One who is Empathetic too…
In Forgiving and Loving myself I started about the task of healing….

He was right about one thing…
I Am Strong

Why Not?

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FATHERS DAY BRINGS MEMORIES OF CONVERSATIONS WITH MY DAD…
Conversations that nowadays when i have questions i search back through them to find the PEARLS OF WISDOM.
Looking for clues and information that will help me walk through to whatever “hmmmm revelation” i crave answers to. The singular declarative vision that will be made clear while seeking that AHA moment.

Todays truth journey…

When love arrives, presents, initiates, blossoms, grows, makes known, CLAIMS, ATTEMPTS, bargains, ACCEPTS, decides, commits, thrives, lives, STUMBLES, doubts, questions, errs, rationalizes, excuses, bargains, fades, postulates, accuses, backpeddles, lies, diverts and SUCCUMBS

I NEVER ASK WHY…

I ASK
WHY NOT ME…

Daddy you told me to always be Me…
One would come one day…who could…who will…understand me and love me for me.
It wont be easy for him, he will stumble because you told me…
Im Different…but Im Worth it…
Im Worth Everything…

I BELIEVED YOU THEN AND NOW…BUT
Im tired of “Lonely” Pop…
It Taunts me It Belittles & Berates me..
I cover my ears because the noise is deafening.
Only ALONE stands up for me now. It shouts at Lonely to GO AWAY…LEAVE ME W/ALONE.

Old Beaus/Lovers peer back at me over their shoulder…they think they can smell the scent of desparation that seeps through my pores…even tho i shower frequently, vigorously and mask its scent with Perfume.
They register my disdain for Lonely and mark time, waiting like the wolf studying its prey while the prey is dying of thrist…
Their Fangs exposed to bite me and drink me in. But oh how i miss the sting…
i concoct visions of pleasure in my minds eye, FORGETTING the sharpness of the blade they used to cut me in half. Taking only what they wanted…only what they needed from me…and left me for dead.
Only to sit back and MARVEL at my Recovery Renewal ReAwakening and my ReEmergence…and wonder if I will be gullible enough or their Game good enough for me to hop on amd ride rhe ride again. NO I AM NOT!

That does NOT stop them…

For in my NitemareDreams Lonely returns…
It SLITHERS closer. It raises its Head and its Hood. I transfix on its eyes and the Sway of its Head…I become deaf to the Hissing…and i forget to look away too late… as the Venom sprays into my eyes and Lonely strikes…and i fear one day it will kill me. Because i was made to Love. I will perish without it.

However there is The One…He has loved me the Most but has CUT me the most. He wrestles past Demons and Fractured Upbringing. He wrestles with God, Family, Evil, and Me.
Our path has been crooked and lain with Land Mines. We have Bloodied each other, yet we have soothed and bathed in it together. We’ve left each other exposed, but want nothing more then to be covered by one another.
Ive had to wait YEARS for him to Grow, Learn, Be, Show, Tell…

But Pop
Can He Do?

You told me HE was the One
and I Believed You
Pop Im still asking…(of him)
WHY NOT ME?

Social Graces

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TODAY I SPEAK MY TRUTH.
OVER THE YEARS SO MANY HAVE ATTEMPTED TO TRY TO DO THAT
FOR ME
ABOUT ME
IN SPITE OF ME
IN THE NAME OF ME

FUNNY…
Cruxificiation is real
Excommunication can sting
&
Lack of Compassion can tear at your Fiber

But the God I serve
Served Me
Two People
who bore me
&
Allowed me
to witness every emotion
Allowed me
to Grow
&
Be Me
&
Today I choose Me…

Social Friends & Real Fam…stay or not
No more oogling
Pick a Side…
and lets pretend volley
no more…

My Open Letter…
Sisters/Brothers
If u are a social friend or fam member on my page ur there bcuz we are good. Malice doesn’t live here. Judgment has never had a seat at my table. I left the groups bcuz smiles and hellos can also be envy and rancor. Ppl use their in boxes as platforms and Carlos George (God rest his Soul) told me I am too Raw Open and Pure for most. Whether Naked or Clothed I’m still me. Whether trying to save my marriage or my Life I’m still me. When I travel and state I’m here & let’s get together…when no one tries I hurt like anyone else. When I move to the area of ALL the happenings and no one bothers to come near I Hurt. I’ve been up top for a yr with Nary a visitor and i practically LIVE in atl.
My door is open in Alexandria now. I’ve healed but I’m cautious bcuz I’ve given my all and received silence. So if you truly wish to vibe drop me an inbox. If not pls don’t just UNFOLLOW me…delete me. I wish you all the best & Gods Grace.

Because I had to…

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Brother…
You don’t think I wanted to be softer…
I could have acquiesced
made myself smaller
Less smart, more timid
Play the game
plead DESPIRATION
&r
Snare me a man
I could have
opened my valley
exuded sensual aromas
to Entice
Become
Betty Crocker, Aunt Jemima and
Chef Boy Ardee
to
Keep a man…
But
Would it have been
Should it have been
worth
Losing Me…

Disproportionate numbers of MEN
Who
by the Grace of God
and
PROPER upbringing
were raised
to
Meet, Get to Know & Love
A Partner
instead of
A Subservient
Are too few to measure.
And those that
Couldn’t, wouldn’t or chose not to
Simply Rationalize
By Branding Me
IMTIMIDATING

I will wear it…

IF IM TOO STRONG FOR YOU
So be it…
But what you fail to realize is
STRONG WOMEN
are willing
to
Love you
Totally
Support you
Wholeheartedly
Sex you
Completely
&
When Im cared for in kind
I will
Ride or Die
4U

XO, Amaezing🌹

The Exodus Chronicles

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TheYearofChange😘✌

Funny thing happened on the way to prep for return to Richmond Va…
I realized
I’m ALREADY Home
💖

I didnt want to leave Richmond but Celestial Spirit wanted me too.
They knew i wouldnt heal there. That i would have EVENTUALLY allowed Sidewinder BACK INTO MY AURA. I never professed to have the wisdom of the ages.
I had to get gone and my penance to pay for my trouble was to foster my furry child. I wanted to blame him solely but we were both duplicitous in our unions destruction. Angel i miss you but Mommy had to learn how to love and care for Just Her.
AFTER A LIFETIME OF CARING FOR OTHERS…

Spirits did send a sign an implication and a SoulFriend in the guise of an Acquaintence who became my Season of Joy.
SO THIS IS WHAT THE TRUTH FEELS LIKE…
Wowwwwww

Somewhere around the end of 15 I noticed I was breathing better, easier and seeing clearer. Memories not only faded but became spotty less important. My agenda My job and My downtime boast a welcome and familiar Triad.
DO NOT APPROACH AND DO NOT ENTER
A Recluse by Choice…

Ok I told myself Im strong enough to return to my 2nd Home. Its familiar its comfortable I can be alone there I can be Accompanied there if I want to be.
My SoulFriend albeit BUSY is nearby. That might be fun…but would it still be me? Angel has a new home do i just replace her? And must i answer the door and allow myself to be bitten from the side AGAIN under the guise of friendship?

Each day that approached closer to moving insomnia set in, appetite waned, as did indecision and fear. My idyllic existence was about to be encroached upon. MY SOLITIDE HAD BECOME MY PEACE. MY SILENCE HAD BECOME MY REFUGE AND MY DISAPPEARING ACT HAD BECOME MY HOME.

I shut the circus down…

#AlexandriaResident
#TYNova4ShieldingMe
#EOS21Chrysalis
#WINGSEarned

I can almost Hear Him say…WELL DONE

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RECOVERED FROM BLOGPOST 2012
THE BFF (FRENEMY) WENT GHOST
THE HUSBAND REMOVED THE MASK AND LET THE COWARDICE SHOW THRU…
BUT
GUESS WHAT? GRANVILLE’S BABYGURL IS STILL STANDING!!!

I had to make choices when I had NO
options. He was going to die. It was a matter of where and when.

No one in my ancillary family understood that or came to help me. In fact meetings were held to usurp me. They accused me, tried me and found me guilty sentencing me to Estrangment and Excommunication w/no parole.
Ive forgiven for my sanity and moved on. They are non factors.

Only with Gods light, my mothers spirit guiding me, my Daughter holding on to me and stepping up to the plate, my son in laws support, my bff ever present with me, and my love…(whom i had the good sense to remarry) buidling a fence around me…did i make it through that time to this.
IT HAUNTS ME STILL…IT SADDENS ME STILL…”LET THE DEAD REST” they say.

What about the living?????

There is a woman named Theresa Caputo who is the Long Island Medium. Yes i believe her and believe in her. No i don’t think its just a tv show. Yes i drove myself crazy watching her and crying uncontrollably for almost a year after he died. I feel ONLY THERESA can ensure me i did what i had to do, CORRECTLY and that even in death He was/is proud of me. IT MEANS THAT MUCH, BECAUSE I LIVED FOR HIS VALIDATION, HIS APPROVAL, HIS LOVE OF ME….

Just the way i am…

GRANVILLE WHITE, THE PRESIDENT OF MY UNITED STATES, WAS/IS MY FATHER. HE DIED EARLY MONDAY MORNING JANUARY TENTH 2011. I was awakened by the phone ringing. i was alone at home with my Westie, Angel. (My Guardian Angel) I knew when the phone rang it would be the hospital and i knew he was gone.
My father and i were as thick as thieves. After my mamas death i was his road dog, his confidante, his stick partner…His Ride or Die. He was my EVERYTHING from the time i was born. No man measured up to him, no man knew more than he did, and he taught me mostly everything i needed to know to function in this world and to NEVER apologize for being me. He let me know i was SPECIAL. He let me know my life had/has meaning. He raised me to be a WOMAN in a MANS WORLD and if they couldn’t deal with me FUCK EM…AND KEEP IT MOVING TILL I FOUND A MAN WHO COULD. BTW-His name is Calvin Jones.

January 1st when i visited him at home for New Year’s Day we had the last talk about his health. He knew he was failing but wanted to exhaust every avenue to stay. He was NOT ready to go, he felt he had so much more to do. I begrudingly had to explain to him once more that we had exhausted every avenue and like a clock he was winding down and eventually it would be time to stop. At that moment i looked in his eyes and i saw DEFEAT AND ACCEPTANCE. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT LOOK. I SHOULD HAVE PAID MORE ATTENTION TO HIS MOOD WITH THAT LOOK. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE CAUTIOUS. however i simply let the moment pass and changed the subject to something more frivalous but pleasant. I stayed till early evening and told him I would call him tomorrow like i always did.

Sunday Jan. 2nd i arose to go to church with my Love. On route to church i called my dad and didn’t get an answer. I figured he got up to go to church too seeing it was the first sunday. I resolved myself to call him after. After church i called and got no answer. I then surmised he was probably out visiting people which he loved to do on the weekends. Around 1ish i went over my daughters to visit and watch a movie…but i had a sinking feeling and I shared that with my daughter. While the movie was playing i said stop it for a minute and let me call Daddy. It was about 2ish. When he didn’t answer this time i started calling around for relatives to go by and see if his car was home and if he was home. I reached out to my cousin in law who said she would send her husband down to the house as soon as he returned home. I called the police and the emergency numbers in Palmyra and reported my fears to them. I was able to reach one of my younger cousins and asked her to meet them at the house. Waiting was AGONY.

in about 20 min i called back to the sounds of my cousin shreaking in the phone. She was crying and i could hear and sense her fear. She was babbling and rambling and i finally calmed her enough for her to tell me what they found. My Dad slumped over on the floor between the kitchen and dining room entranceway, having hit his head he had bled and clotted. His right hand was holding on to the doorway molding. I screamed at her to get her attention and asked “is he alive?” she said i believe so and that the paramedics were checking now. She said they had to bust the side door open and i told her that was fine. HE WAS ALIVE BUT THEY WERE UNSURE OF HIS CONDITION. It didn’t look good. I asked to speak to the EMT and told him my dads med hx and DNR were taped behind him on the refridgerator door. They told me which hospital they were taking him to in Charlottesville and i told them i was leaving now. I told my cousin to get my dads wallet out of his pants pocket and meet me at the exit where Interstate 64 and Route 15 in 30 minutes. I called my niece in Charlottesville and told her go to UVA Hospital and meet the ambulance and if they need me before i get there to call me. Thankfully i kept my dads living will and papers in my car at all times.

I turned to my daughter shaken but i knew i had to get to Charlottesville. My daughter dropped everything to go with me, and my son in law promised to go check on my dog. I broke every speeding law but i made it to the exit to meet my cousin, i hugged her and thanked her and kept en route to Charlottesville. When i got to the hospital they were still assessing him and wouldn’t let me see him right away so i admitted him and handled the paperwork. In what seemed like hours, they finally let me and my daughter go back and see him.

My father was stretched out on a gurney. My dad was 6’2 and he always looked too big for hospital beds but this time he seemed so small. His clothes had been cut off and he was covered with a sheet and blanket. He had a gash on his head and his hand was swollen from holding onto the door frame. He was agitated so i rushed to his side and whispered loudly “Daddy its me, Pumpkin, you are at the hospital, can you hear me?” He grunted yes and immediately started to calm down. I said “Morgan is here too and we will stay right here with you ok?” Again he grunted. My daughter was shocked but stoic, i could tell her mind was racing. For me i went into overdrive and started assessing the incident, his condition and surroundings, reading the monitors and looking over his injuries. My Dad kept trying to speak but couldn’t. My daughter was agitated and i was nervous on my way to terrified. I kept trying to make out what he was trying to say but couldn’t. It was not long after that that he went silent and HE NEVER SPOKE TO ME AGAIN.

I met with the ER Doc and the Neurologist. They confirmed it was a massive stroke and his entire left side part of his diaphram were paralyzed. They did not think he would speak again. I gave the docs his living will and we reviewed it together. My father wanted NO EXTRAORDINARY MEANS TAKEN IN TRYING TO SUSTAIN HIS LIFE. I was/am his living agent. At that moment the transfer of responsibility fell to me. The neurologist suggested we move him to the palliative care floor and monitor him for the rest of the night and reassess in the morning. I affirmed his DNR, signed some other papers and went outside to call my two sisters, in jersey. i explained to them that it was bad and i didnt think he was gonna make it out of this one. I told them you need to come soon as you can. (SOON AS THEY COULD TURNED OUT TO BE THURSDAY)

The Next Day i met the Dr. who would help walk with me thru this nightmare. Dr. Lee, Palliative Care Specialists and Neurologist. He confirmed the diagnosis and we discussed care. We decided to just give palliative care for the next three days and monitor him for any changes. He told me at this juncture, a feeding tube, IV’s and a catheter were not going to make or break this situation. I opted not to go that route. My fathers breathing was labored and he had quite an accumulation of phlegm which had to be monitored. (THURS NITE I ASKED FOR A TECH TO COME AND ASPIRATE SOME OF IT OUT, WHICH WAS ONE OF THE MOST HORRIBLE EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE. AFTER TWO ATTEMPTS I TOLD HIM STOP AND NEVER DO THAT AGAIN)

Each day i would rise, get ready, go to work, put out fires, leave work and go to the hospital and stay the good majority of the day and then drive home. In between i started to prepare and make arrangements, which was scoffed and rebuffed at the time by one of my employees who i thought really cared about my well being. It cut me to my core. Little did i know the ancillary fam were kind of thinking the same heinous thoughts.

Weds. was D Day. Dr. Lee came to the room to talk. My daughter was there with me, as were two of my male cousins. Dr. Lee explained Daddy was dying and we needed to decide how and when. He explained i could put him in a nursing home with a feeding tube. He could not sit up but could be positioned to sit in a wheelchair will being tied and bound in a seated position for a couple times a day. This would not however stop the formation of “bed sores” and he would need constant turning and repositioning. He might last 20-30 days. Or we could continue with the palliative care, monitoring him and he would last approximately ten days and we were already four days in. He said that he could stay at the hospital through the weekend but i would have to make arrangements to have him moved to another facility by Monday. I was to meet with the Social Worker on Monday to see if we could get him into VA nursing facility in Richmond closer to me.

Dr. Lee turned to me and said “Okay Ms. White, what is it you would like to do?” I looked at him and I looked at my Daughter and then my Daddy. It was evidently clear THAT DAY…I said “This is not my Daddy and he wouldn’t want to be sustained in a nursing home, NOT LIKE THIS”. Dr. Lee said “I think you made the right choice” I said well when my sisters get here they will be prepared to fight this so i am told. He said “don’t worry I am prepared to meet with them and uphold your decision.” AND IN THE SPLIT SECOND MOMENT MY HEART BROKE INTO A MILLION PIECES…I FELT I HAD JUST CONDEMNED MY DADDY TO DEATH.
For the rest of that visit and Thurs. and Saturday (I DIDN’T GO UP FRIDAY CUZ THAT WAS THE DAY THE POSSE WENT IN ON DR. LEE BUT HE QUIETED THE NAY SAYERS) i continued to look for any signs of MY DADDY coming back to me. There were none.
Sunday January 9th…I arrived with my Love. The nurse said his breathing had become shallow and more labored and if i would like it might be time to hang a Morphine Drip. I concurred. I walked over to my dad and i collasped on his chest, tears streaming down my face…and i said… “Daddy I love you with my life but i cant’ take much more. I feel your struggle. I am gonna be fine, Morgan is gonna be fine. You’ve done all you can for us. We love you but i know you can see Mama and i know you can see Grandma Blanche. Its okay Pop you can go and God willing we will meet again” “Please I can’t watch you suffer anymore” and i cried right there on his chest.

When i finished crying I looked up at my dad and he had a lot of stubble and beard. My Dad had taken to wearing a goatee which was quite becoming but he was looking ragged. I said to my Love, “I can’t have him go away from here looking like this.” I asked the nurse could i shave him and she said “Hunny you can do whatever you want for your dad. I have seen a lot of loved ones but it is EVIDENT to all of us how close you two are. It is admirable to see your love and respect for your dad.” So my love went and brought some razors back to me and i proceeded to shave daddy just like i would any other time and talking to him while i shaved him. It brought the only PEACE that i had had since the stroke. My love and i sat with him and once he got the IV his breathing calmed a bit. We went to the cafeteria to get something to eat. We went back up to his room and i said goodbye and that i would see him tomorrow. I said i was meeting with the social worker to arrange to bring him to Richmond. THAT WAS NOT TO BE…MY DADDY WAS ADAMANT HE WANTED TO DIE IN THE COUNTRY AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID.

Heres the sad part for me. I knew i wouldn’t be with my Mama when she died but i ALWAYS figured i would be with my Dad. But that wasn’t to be either. He didn’t want me there. I guess he knew that i wouldnt have been able to handle it, even if i thought i was strong enough too. He ALWAYS knew best.

Daddy did i do it right? Are you proud of me? Was there anything else i couldve done?
I miss you every single day….Thank you for everything….xo

Im a Nana…WTF?

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RECOVERED FROM BLOGSPOT 2014

I have two beautiful, funny, loving GrandGems…Mr. Mason and Ms. Peyton Alexander, 14 mo old fraternal twins.

Up till June 1st they resided in ATL. Luckily their Mommy, my daughter was chosen and accepted a position that brought the fam back to RVA. (Dad is still in Atl to close out apt. etc) She started her job June 2nd. Now with me being on Severance/Sabbatical (fancy term for NOT WORKING A 9-5) i offered to become full time Nana, with ancilliary help from Grandma (S-I-L’s Mom) if need be. Before you say oooh and ahhh how wonderful there are two things I want you to know.

1. IM ALLERGIC TO CHILDREN – i have spent the better part of 30 years avoiding children. let me clarify because i have three older Grandchildren besides the twins… My son has three kids and Ive have been in their lives up until the last almost three years. (separation my son and his wife and simple-ton wife is holding them hostage or ransom from us…yeah i said it) I love them dearly as well but getting to know them and be in their lives was/is no ez task. So more often then not I was the $$$ Nana, the help pay bills, keep the lights on Nana, and Bday $gifts and Xmas $gifts. Besides my Grands i do think children are cute, funny and such but i have been able to pretty much adore them from afar.

THESE TWO… STOLE MY HEART FROM THE WORD GO…Maybe its how hard it was to get them here, (Daughter high risk pregnancy, Hospitalizations, Bedridden from 24 weeks until delivery at 36 weeks) Maybe its because i was there when they entered the world, and Certainly because it was MY Baby having HER Babies…but i digress…xo

2. AS I STATED EARLIER ITS BEEN 30 SOME YEARS SINCE IVE BEEN AROUND BABIES – My daughter is in her mid thirties, so i have been blissfully ignorant of all the newfangled things in the world of babies.

But I figured im an Intelligent woman with a speedy mind and apt memory and could pick up what i needed ot know quick fast and in a hurry. I mean how hard could it be right? I had two kids of my own. Lest I forget…I don’t think so…I just knew I had this and was gonna be great at it.

The problem was I didn’t have nor had an inkling caring for TWO at a time. I was 18 and 23 respectively when my kids were born…I am 58 now and too old not to know better…that with age and uncertainty comes fatigue and frustration for Type A folks like me.

The first thing i did was equip the living room and dining room in my townhouse with the accoutrements necessary to tranform the LR into a day care type play room. I started baby proofing and setting up here and there and was so proud of myself for taking on the task. I was ordering and shipping and picking up rugs, mats, little tyke table and chairs, and rearranging furniture to ensure their safety. It turned out beautiful.

June 2nd my daughter started her new job. By June 4th I was starting to wane, by June 5th I wanted to say “uncle i give in” by June 6th i was out looking for day care facilities and by June 7th we sat down to have a serious pow wow.

My GrandGems WORE ME OUT…by six pm i was fried, frazzled, discumbobulated and every muscle that i had not used for decades ached!!!! They were still happy, delightful and loving, but Nana on the inside was a wreck. The biggest problem then became…not wanting to place blame where blame should be…ME, ME, and ME and my inability to handle the task alone…So knowing I had to release the frustration and self loathing…I became WIFE-ZILLA. My husband came home first every day and was met with disdain by the Femaile version of Dr. Jekyll…Ms. Hyde had left the building. He was also astute enough to see the physical and emotional toll it was taking on me. Friday my daughter my Husband and me sat down to talk. I felt ill equipped, downtrodden and defeated. I was able to tell them my dilemmas and they were able to help me with observations i didn’t acknowledge.

For one thing…i couldn’t be my type A OCD self and try to continually clean up, wash dirty clothes, sweep, cook and such with 14 mo old twins in the house. That does not compute. I was killing myself adding a monumental job to my already filled plate. Oh did i fail to also mention i have a soon to be seven year old Westie Furry SPOILED Child? Angel is just that but she too got caught up in “Mommy who are these little people?”

The discussion left me defeated, my daughter disgusted and my Husband somewhat determined to be heard. I left the room, THEM, and the scene to go up to my room to think, to berate myself and in TRUE Type A style figure out what the hell i was gonna do…

Saturday I rose with new determination. I asked for another chance because they truly do mean everything to me. We also decided to bring their Grandmother A into the fold as she had already offered and was more than prepared to assist. She has made a lifes advocation out of watching her other grands like some Gma’s do and she is expert at it. Plus she had been with the babies for the first year of their lives, stored her belongings and moved to ATL to be their nanny while the parents worked. I can never repay her for that kindness.

My daughter agreed and reiterated she wasn’t mad at me but she was too tired to figure out complexities and then attempt to fix them. I said lets do it together. #OldDogNewTrick…

This past Monday was a brand new day. They Like Me They really Like Me…and i LOVE them to bits. They are funny, smart, “cunning’ emotional and filled with LOVE as well as the abundance of Energy.

Im still beat, but not dead dog tired…and I am so glad I gave MYSELF another chance…

Somewhere My Mama is smiling…