Hunger no More

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Love is a dish best served.
The temperature of the dish matters not. The temperature is a personal preference.
Once you realize you’ve stumbled upon the missing ingredient… your palate, your hunger, thirst, need and desire are forever changed.

Our NEEDS start out basic and simple. Somewhere across the span of our journey we are led to believe that our needs must increase exponentially to match our wants. The question “what do you want” is introduced into our psyche from early on. Because we can think it, or envision it we believe we WANT it hence we must need it.
We look we see we copy we emulate we postulate and decide from sight that THEY have it so I should want that too. We CHANGE our recipe forcibly teaching ourselves to feed, eat and learn to enjoy it. We forgo our recipe and go shopping inadvisably.

Many of our chosen dishes provide nourishment to fuel us but we realize we are lacking. Upon this realization we either gorge to silence the pain, abstain to hide the fear, or maintain to status quo rarely paying attention to our NEED. Over time…Needs desire to be recognized, to be heard, to reconnect and redirect become careless whispers buried under the continued preparation and ingestion of the swill. Our minds become so besotted with the new, the different, the “try it you’ll like it” we forget that ONE TRUE ingredient at the heart of it all. Love disappears.

My Love is my love. It is internal and it is eternal. It has no expiration date. It is in ABUNDANT supply. Over time I’ve prepared tens of hundreds of dishes and purchased three restaurants. I’ve started out as the Head Chef and most often allowed myself to be demoted to Sous Chef at best. I offered up my best dishes always tweaking the ingredients. I spent hours/days/years trying desperately to blend the flavors to create a NEW masterpiece. Over time the dishes were repeated, reheated, watered down till finally they were burnt beyond recognition. The flavors vanished leaving the bowl and the vessel empty.

LUST, the generic substitute for the MAIN ingredient, often times became the first item reached for to prepare a meal. No matter how exciting the discovery of the new dish would be…empty calories can leave one fed but not satisfied. I sometimes realized all too late that I continually dined on meals that didn’t satisfy the hunger. My weight of the world fluctuated for years. Until finally a year ago I simply STOPPED eating.

Realizing we have to eat to live is innate. Realizing we need to relearn, rethink, retrain and remember is intuitive. It’s the LISTENING to our intuition that is the key.

Wary of new chefs in the guise of acquaintances, friends, family and potential suitors I decided to dine off simple life sustaining meals of my own preparation. I can eat the same 20 dishes and survive without injury. I also surmised that by doing so I would never feast again. I would never feel satiated again and I couldn’t imagine that. I slowly allowed myself to experiment with flavor…deliberately using lust as the main ingredient. I rationalized that surely i could make a satisfying sustainable meal from it. However because I gave my palate time to cleanse itself it craved MORE.
I opened a sliver in my heart and mind’s eye and was reminded of what was missing. The sweet nectar and aroma of Love became more and more present. My mind has been sent racing to find it, catch it and hold it close. Thankfully I’ve learned to allow myself to to feel it, see it and TASTE it again.

Embracing Love’s return quelched the hunger pangs. The gurgling from my soul of the emptiness is starting to wane and I feel fuller but lighter at the same time. Colors are bolder, sharper and the panorama is new. The fogginess is lessened and the senses heightened. My emotions feel at home and they spring forth at will washing my face with tears of joy. The One has reveled in sharing the preparation space with me, always complimentary of my new creations. They’ve enjoyed the resurgence of finding their main ingredient of which they had NEVER used. I find that saddening but its delightful that it was I who showed them the way.
The pace, as it happens, at which we arrived here has changed. My dish is ready for the world.

Yesterday Love BECAME the dish. I carried it all along. Yesterday I became the dish. I served myself a heaping portion and it was DELICIOUS.

Hunger no More

image

Love is a dish best served.
The temperature of the dish matters not. The temperature is a personal preference.
Once you realize you’ve stumbled upon the missing ingredient… your palate, your hunger, thirst, need and desire are forever changed.

Our NEEDS start out basic and simple. Somewhere across the span of our journey we are led to believe that our needs must increase exponentially to match our wants. The question “what do you want” is introduced into our psyche from early on. Because we can think it, or envision it we believe we WANT it hence we must need it.
We look we see we copy we emulate we postulate and decide from sight that THEY have it so I should want that too. We CHANGE our recipe forcibly teaching ourselves to feed, eat and learn to enjoy it. We forgo our recipe and go shopping inadvisably.

Many of our chosen dishes provide nourishment to fuel us but we realize we are lacking. Upon this realization we either gorge to silence the pain, abstain to hide the fear, or maintain to status quo rarely paying attention to our NEED. Over time…Needs desire to be recognized, to be heard, to reconnect and redirect become careless whispers buried under the continued preparation and ingestion of the swill. Our minds become so besotted with the new, the different, the “try it you’ll like it” we forget that ONE TRUE ingredient at the heart of it all. Love disappears.

My Love is my love. It is internal and it is eternal. It has no expiration date. It is in ABUNDANT supply. Over time I’ve prepared tens of hundreds of dishes and purchased three restaurants. I’ve started out as the Head Chef and most often allowed myself to be demoted to Sous Chef at best. I offered up my best dishes always tweaking the ingredients. I spent hours/days/years trying desperately to blend the flavors to create a NEW masterpiece. Over time the dishes were repeated, reheated, watered down till finally they were burnt beyond recognition. The flavors vanished leaving the bowl and the vessel empty.

LUST, the generic substitute for the MAIN ingredient, often times became the first item reached for to prepare a meal. No matter how exciting the discovery of the new dish would be…empty calories can leave one fed but not satisfied. I sometimes realized all too late that I continually dined on meals that didn’t satisfy the hunger. My weight of the world fluctuated for years. Until finally a year ago I simply STOPPED eating.

Realizing we have to eat to live is innate. Realizing we need to relearn, rethink, retrain and remember is intuitive. It’s the LISTENING to our intuition that is the key.

Wary of new chefs in the guise of acquaintances, friends, family and potential suitors I decided to dine off simple life sustaining meals of my own preparation. I can eat the same 20 dishes and survive without injury. I also surmised that by doing so I would never feast again. I would never feel satiated again and I couldn’t imagine that. I slowly allowed myself to experiment with flavor…deliberately using lust as the main ingredient. I rationalized that surely i could make a satisfying sustainable meal from it. However because I gave my palate time to cleanse itself it craved MORE.
Finally…
I opened a sliver in my heart and mind’s eye and was reminded of what was missing. The sweet nectar and aroma of Love became more and more present. My mind has been sent racing to find it, catch it and hold it close. Thankfully I’ve learned to allow myself to to feel it, see it and TASTE it again.

Embracing Love’s return quelched the hunger pangs. The gurgling from my soul of the emptiness is starting to wane and I feel fuller but lighter at the same time. Colors are bolder, sharper and the panorama is new. The fogginess is lessened and the senses heightened. My emotions feel at home and they spring forth at will washing my face with tears of joy. The One has reveled in sharing the preparation space with me, always complimentary of my new creations. They’ve enjoyed the resurgence of finding their main ingredient of which they had NEVER used. I find that saddening but its delightful that it was I who showed them the way.
The pace, as it happens, at which we arrived here has changed. My dish is ready for the world.

Yesterday Love BECAME the dish. I carried it all along. Yesterday I became the dish. I served myself a heaping portion and it was DELICIOUS.

#PartyofOne

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I’ve
Encouraged
Enlightened
Entertained
&
Enjoyed
all thee
Every Women
who
Ever Entered
My Life…

Funny how
Bless-sed
Reciprocation
Should Reign…

Disturbing how
Empty Envy
Elated Evisceration
&
Effort-filled Egos
Enjoy their
Perceived
Shallow
&
Hollow
Effortless Attempts
at
Ignoring my Existence
While Celebrating
My Perceived
Defeats…

Luckily
I was
Birthed, Raised, Taught, Schooled, Bred, Revered
&
UNCONDITIONALLY
Loved
By The
ULTIMATE
Female Cheerleader
&
I’ve
Passed it on…
While Paying it Forward

#PartyofOne

Recovery

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Yesterday I received my Lone Christmas card. It was from my Ex Mother in Law. The pang it caused surprised me. I had finally opened my heart to let his family in. I finally felt as if the years of loss in my life could be smoothed over with new members. It was at this junction that he decided he had no more love to give and he snatched it all away. Next to losing Ms Margaret who reminded me so much of my Mama…
I miss my Mother in Law most of all.

He told me He will always love me. He said he never knew Love could exist like mine. When asked why so long so much so deceptive so confusing and yes so manipulative his reply was…
You MESMERIZED me Audrey.

We often wonder in our lives what was the Lesson in any given situation. Mine was learning to love through adversity. Realizing that GOD is NOT gonna send you a man woman or any mate. (Did I happen to mention I met him in church and for YEARS felt we were destined to be?)

Being a Muse, I accepted the fact I was given a Man-Child and I chose to focus on cultivating the Man. I knew the task was difficult however I underestimated the years of indoctrination and the safety the Child felt in the Chrysalis of his upbringing. If you can’t accept Life you can’t Live it.

I wanted protection. He wanted an adventure. I wanted companionship. He wanted an admirer. I wanted intimacy. He wanted voyuerism. I wanted to be mated. He wanted to be seen. I wanted a soulmate. He wanted a Prize. I wanted Love. He wanted Love His Way.

My In laws lost their Matriarch at the beginning of this year. The grief and loss that’s felt with them now… is exactly where I was when I met him. He was like coming up for air. I was reeling from my Mothers passing, my families betrayal, my excommunication from my family and almost losing my father diagnosed with prostate cancer.
Add to that our next 4 years of tumultuous interaction, torrid love and his outside BabyMamaDrama and we had a hit reality show in the making.

And then we decide to GET MARRIED…

I wanted to be his wife KNOWING it may be an insurmountable undertaking. He wanted my presence, my earning potential, my good standing and my marketability to gain custody of his son. Of course we didn’t reveal these truths to one another till much later.

After acquiring his son I thought we’d be happy. The evidence that I became the third wheel was apparent 2-3 months in.

We didn’t last a year.

Leaving him and divorcing him was the most gut wrenching experience of my life. I almost didn’t make it.
And somewhere during that metamorphosis he realized he truly Loved Me. (Go figure)

We stayed connected after the pain subsided. Playing with fire ignoring that our flesh was burning from standing too close. We began to feel we were inpenetrable and impervious to the heat of failure.

And then on Jan 2nd 2011 my Daddy had a stroke. Jan 10th he died. I felt the ground give way beneath me and I reached for the only stability in sight. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the Abyss.
In July I asked do you love me? Want me? He said YES…I want to marry you. I’d marry you right now.

We got married 4 days later.

Like the blaring clarity of the first debacle became clear to me relatively quickly; He started to gradually show signs he wasn’t sure his Love, Ardor and Verve for me matched his IMPULSIVENESS.
By now he knew we were workable together, but…

He could NEVER reconcile His Wife & His Family. He couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t merge, meld and blend into his world. EXCUSE ME HAVE YOU MET ME?

He couldn’t reconcile that the same UNIQUE, AMAEZING-NESS that drew him in…also allowed him to fear I would NEVER enter into the inner sanctum of his Family.

He didn’t believe that given the chance for me to open up, given the chance for his family to listen and learn, that it would allow us ALL to reach out and touch.

and that’s exactly what happened…

but throughout out union…he kept listening to the Serpents prodding… She remained constant…Slithering, Watching, Waiting…offering stale, mundane, AVERAGE Alternatives. He GAVE UP, GAVE IN and Took a Bite of the Apple.
2014 he sighed and exhaled his last breath of delusion…threw up his hands, harded his heart…

and walked away.

2015 I’m better no longer bitter. I’m alone and not toooo lonely.

But I miss my in laws…and
Ms Shirley…Merry Christmas
I Love You too.

I didn’t Hear the Bell…(there are signs everywhere)

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I thought this morning you would finally come thru Daddy…
Your presence loomed large this morning.
I haven’t given up on having you manifest before me.

I see glimpses of you in Mason. I’m fascinated by him and his carefree wonder of the world. His cavalier “why not” demeanor…his quick eye and quiet rapier wit. That’s all you. Him and Peyton helped bring the magic back to living, to being.

After the Jackass’s admission of Utter Weakness, I was sent a new Best Friend of the Soul.. who also stole my heart, lungs, mind and most of my sensibilities. He allowed me to see the strong resilient man that was you. Larger then life and taking on the worlds and everyones woes. But like you, He sacrifices himself for the perceived greater good. Its uncanny how much he’s like you. He kept me from drowning Daddy…much like you often did when ill wind blew and waves grew tidal. Did you have our paths cross so he could know… that A life, His life was possible? Our roads converge and our journey continued for a year…. Because Of that union I learned to breathe again Pop…

I woke up this morning at 4 with the craziest things on my mind. The phone number we had in Jersey. (201) 561 but couldn’t remember the last four digits. Then of course the Va # (434) 589-5333. I remember still. Any shread of you to remind me. Then glimpses of your week of Ascension came forward too…things I had closed off, forgotten… but I take comfort in knowing I never left, I stayed and I ran the course with you… you finished the race and you WON Pop…

Its so crystal clear NOW you feared me leaving you when I cruised in 2010 because you KNEW your health was failing. But just like a parent you didn’t want to stop my joy.
Its evident NOW why you called me daily while i was on the ship…and didnt call C…because you knew He would one day fail me…AGAIN…We are done Daddy, on that you can rest assured.

How mad was I; after that Spectacular Christmas Dinner. That was the first xmas we chose to celebrate since Mamas passing.  The next day you demanded that I take you home while it was snowing….I realize NOW you were entering the corridor and you WANTED… you NEEDED to go the last mile of the way Alone.

I’m so sorry I didn’t see it…
Would I have wanted to if I could…
For whom the Bell Tolls…

All i know beyond a shadow of a doubt…

You’re Wings were ready
My Heart was not…

#IMissU

Heart&Bones

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It took 13 yrs to get here.

Losing My Mama
& My Family’s need 4 Blame in their Loss…
(As if MINE wasn’t enough)
Changed me forever….

It took 4.999 years to get here.

Losing My Dad & My Family’s need 4 Blame
(As if MINE didn’t almost take me under)
Shut Doors
I thought
would stay shut
4ever…

But
with Time
4ever
may just become
Hopefilled Change

Tday & Xmas
lost their shine…
Partying w/Fake
became mundane
A lifelong Frenemy
was Revealed
&
Coupled Support
Became
Veiled Time Killed
With an Escape Artist
&
instead of
Support
I bore….
Heartbreak…

2015…
Cruel2BeKind
but….
I’ve Learned
I’ve Lived
I’ve Kept Faith
& now
I LOVE
I BELIEVE…

THE LOSSES WILL NEVER LEAVE ME…

Heart&Bones
have healed…
but
The Pieces
are
FOREVER
Set Differently

Reaching the You…

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Over the course of this year I grew up…
I had been hoping wishing and reaching for milestone moments foolishly missing the point AND the accomplishments along the way.

I’ve always been one to plaudit the feats of another. I would sing a persons praise shouting from the rooftops to those who would listen. Yet secretly silently begrudgingly wondering if anyone noticed…ME
because

The Muse was bleeding to death…

Lack of my lover’s appreciation, omission of my husband’s devotion and unearthed disdain towards me from family and friends I’ve held dear almost KILLED me several times over.
Its frequently left me adrift…desperately clutching to the driftwood of cleverly disguised lifelines…
And as the wood splintered with the loss of those that didnt truly care…my strokes turned to treading the waters lest I drown.

My life preservers lost their air 13 and 4.5 years ago…
My two arm floats expand and deflate exponentially with their ability to supply necessary air from their perception… (For they too must stay afloat)

In 2015…
the Tidal and the Undertow joined forces and my resolve flatlined…

But I wasn’t done…
I’m NOT done…
I’ve clung to the memories
I’ve faced my fears
I’ve opened my minds eye
My souls core
My hearts beat
and
Decided
to
Reach for Me

I’ve learned life is LIVED to Learn.
To grow
To err
To discover
To wonder
&
if you pay attention
you may just
Figure it out

That while the Music is escalating towards its climatic crescendo…
&
You recall, replay and ReRelease
the Melodies
TRIUMPHANTLY
raising your Baton while conducting…
the Orchestra that is your Life…

You will

Finish Strong….

Soul2Soul

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For 47 years
She was here with me…

She outlasted
RA & 19 or so Surgeries
Including
2 knee & one hip replacement

If places events & people
Brought her Wonder
I made it happen
Highlights for her were…
Yankees, LA Dodgers
Ice Capades
Scott Hamilton flip
Dorothy Hamil
Dick Weber signed an autograph 4 her
&
She flew to England w/me

She saw all 7 of her
Grandchildren
become Adults…
She BABYSAT every one…
She was the
ORIGINAL Nana

And now She lives
ETERNAL with me
SOUL 2 SOUL…

#IWONTCOMPLAIN

I want the Marvelous

Quote from Anais Min….
**I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls**

ME?
I’m a Lover of the Intoxification.

I am a Lover of Truth.
and my Truth is I facilitate but am never facilitated.

Once the Fire dies…I must detach…
Or I won’t Recover…
For
I need to know The Burn exists

The waning does not happen right away but over time. The amount of time is based on my perception of the magnitude of the lie told and the life perpetrated. I’ve been adored but I haven’t been loved. I’ve been cared for but I haven’t been Owned. I’ve been touched but I haven’t been Absorbed. Once upon a time I was given a glimpse into the Soul of What Could Be…and I will Settle for NOTHING less.

Many live a pleasant Give&Take, Weather all storms, weve made it through, kind of life as a couple. God save the Queen and both of you.

Every so often I read or hear how thrilled and enthralled a couple are… that after all these years They STILL love and live. As if that’s a stupendous feat to have accomplished. (No Shade Here) but isn’t that the goal?
The retort “it wasn’t ez” always seems to be placed in the narrative as standard verbiage. We read it or hear it and say How Nice… whereas I say How Fortumate…
I smile, but all the while Im thinking How Droll How Staid…
Is the reward you stayed or endured?

I USED to judge myself by this standard of relationships…
Marriage had to be the goal.

NOW…After all this time…After all this heartache, After ALL…

FINALLY comes the Lesson…the Knowledge… The Knowing…

I want the Marvelous…

8 years….Reflection

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This photo is ICONIC for me. 8 years ago I asked an Ex Lover to take a DoveShot for me…
At that time Dove had a campaign to show your true self. That picture was my interpretation of Natural…the key was to Strip Naked but not Show Naked…I was Amazed with the result.

I’ve looked at it often over the years and relied on it for years in times of Need… to reharness my strength.

Over these past eight years a lot has happened. Some Good some Not so Good some Great.

I lost my Dad…
Funny, that sounds like he wandered off instead
of deciding to Join his Love…My Mom…He ascended in 2011 and his 5th anniversary is around the corner. I picture them together. I thank them for channeling some of their spirit into the Twins…
The Gems are where I find my Peace on Earth now.

I lost my Love…
We were friends who tried TWICE to be co-joined partners for life…
Reality can indeed bite because now I’ve lost my Best Friend…His light…His Protection…We SILENTLY miss one another. The Gap has grown too wide.

Over the years Ive been mourning, I’ve been ecstatic.
I’ve been melancholy and I’ve been jolly.
With each Hello I craved Promise
&
With each Goodbye I learned…

The Second picture was taken by My SoulFriend…
I wanted to see how 60 would look on me…
I wanted to see the changes,
Claim my Victory
That I’d weathered my Storms…
We had a ball.

What I didn’t bank on was my
Inner Goddess
Vulnerable Diva
Intelligent Scorpion
Sexy Siren
&
Mournfilled Soul

With and Thru all of it
I Grew into Me…

Side by Side Pics
I’m Rounder…the Sharp Edges are gone
I’m Softer …the Need 2b Hard is gone

I’m 60 TODAY!!!
Thankful & Grateful doesn’t even begin 2cut it

ACTIII
Here I AM…