12 yrs….

I think ive done good today…
I’ve been as happy as I could be…
but we are home now and we were talking abt family…

About Mothers…

Mr’s Mom…is still alive and present and he hopes that lasts for yrs to come.

He said he can’t imagine her gone….and he asked me “how long has it been for your mom?”

My answer……
12 years TODAY….XO

I didnt speak on it earlier…I was determined to live the day and not mourn the day…at least not outwardly for the world to see.

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I responded to him…” to lose your Mama…there are no words…”

I only talk abt her with Mr. and my Kids…and we dont reminisce often with each other but individually we remember, we miss and we continue to move forward…even though sometimes it seems an impossible task.

But Today I’ve done her proud because for the first time in these 12 yrs I actually had a good day…

Dorothy Elizabeth White….I KNOW u are RestingInPeace….
(Pls give Daddy a Kiss on the cheek for me)

Tday, Xday & Comfort Zones

One of my Sistergurl posted today how she wished the holidays were over already. HOW WELL I KNOW THAT FEELING….

It been a wash for me since 2002. When my mom died a week b4 Thanksgiving. Tday was always her fav. My life became being near and watching over my dad. So each Tday after that I would take him to the golden corral in Charlottesville where he could eat reminisce and chill.

That Xmas was rough for him. He stayed the whole month till NY day with me. And so Xmas became abt reflection for me. It’s caused problems fore and Mr cuz he’s abt family being together presents celebration and All of it. But in 2010 under much duress Daddy let me come get him and take him with me to my son in laws and daughters house. They had all his family over. Our fam was me, daddy and my daughter. However they cooked a lovely dinner and we enjoyed sitting around the dining room table with great company and discussions. My gfriend who lived close to my daughter dropped by and she asked to take a pic of my dad and me. I thank God every day for her because that was the last pic we ever took.

We rang in 2011 with him home and me at my house. I always called him and mama at midnight my whole life and he answered said HNY and went back to bed. NY day my daughter and I always would go down and visit with him, about an hour away from RVA. Sadly the day after NYday he had aassive stroke. He died 1/10/11, the clock Stopped and the floor opened up and I felt I was falling into an abyss. God and Mr grabbed my hand to save me.

Its been THREE LONG YEARS but this year I’ve ask my Divine to help me at least commune with others and smile again. And its all bcuz of the TWINS. So Ms Lady. If u wanna go to Atl for Tday come on ur welcome and for Xmas come on to RVA the door is open!!!!

11/20/55 & 11/20/78 Mother, Daughter, Sistergurls, Friends

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Each year as our day approaches I get maudlin, almost weepy.  As the years go by I also get hit with a tidal wave of emotion.  I reminisce about the story surrounding my birth and I bathe in the knowledge that My Divine bestowed the unbelievable gift of sending my soul to my Mama.

I have told this story before. My Mama had been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis almost eight years before she had me.  It was active and it hit her broadside and it was painful.  While dealing with all that and already raising 3 other daughters she decided (she told me she got a strong feeling) that she wanted to have another baby.

Now mind you my dad was dead set against it.  He felt they had quite enough people in the house and that he had to provide support for.  Mama said she knew different and she knew she “had” to have me. She cajoled him as only we women can and it wasn’t long before she found out she was pregnant.  Now here we have a soon to be 31 year old woman with three daughters the youngest being six and a half.  She has Rheumatoid Arthritis and needs assistance relearning to do the most basic of things.  They lived in a second story walk up renting from a wonderful old couple who adored mama and helped her with the kids.  They had one wing and a prayer car, daddy working like a dog and with all this she presented to her Dr. and said “I think I’m pregnant and YES I want to have the baby” Dr. Mintz (an old jewish doctor whom my mama adored and he adored her) told her it would be medically risky and she could make her condition worse not better.  In fact he also had a cardiologist talk to my mama and an OB/GYN who consented and agreed that she was a good candidate for a “legal medical termination.”  MAMA SAID NO.  SHE WAS GONNA HAVE THIS BABY AND GOD WOULD SEE HER THROUGH.

I was born on Sunday morning at 12:17 am.   I discovered all the details of my birth when I was a grown woman sitting in Mamas living room refereeing an argument between Mama and Daddy.  I said something he said something; the topic got around to children and he looked at me and said “Oh yeah…well you shouldn’t even be here, we were through and I didn’t want to have another baby”  IT WAS LIKE A GUN WENT OFF IN MY HEAD. I LOVED AND REVERED HIM SO MUCH HOW COULD HE SAY THAT TO ME?  I WAS LITERALLY DEVASTATED IN 2.2 SECONDS.  Tears immediately sprung to my eyes and I turned to my Mama.  Mama was a soft speaker but she could CUSS like a sailor and when she got pissed she would squint her eyes, raise up and her voice would start to climb.  She look at him and said “you Muthafcker…you better be glad she is here because she is the only one who loves YOU unconditionally while the others do not.”  She then preceded speak on another surprise  (sorry to my sisters in advance but they know the truth) “you know like I know the first three were WHOOPS babies… THIS ONE I PLANNED FOR.  Now you apologize to this child or get the hell out of this living room you ungrateful son of a bbbbbbbbbb.”  To which my dad huffed and said Oh bump you Dot and left the room.  I sat there in disbelief, crushed and confused.  I wanted to call my hubs to come and rescue me and take me home.

Mama came and sat by me on the couch and said “don’t worry when he calms down he will apologize.” you know your daddy so don’t wait for it but it will come.” “you are just as stubborn as he is so this will last a while but when you feel as if your heart will break without him you will fix it and yes you will have to fix it cuz that is what WE do.”  She then shared the story of my conception and birth.  FROM THAT MOMENT ON WE WERE IRREVOCABLY BONDED FROM BODY TO SOUL TO HEART TO MIND…FOREVER.  And my Daddy and I did make up about one year later, around his Birthday.  I was in the card aisle at a drug store purchasing sympathy cards for my Mamas mother, my Grandma Mollie who had passed.  While walking thru the aisle I passed the birthday cards and started to cry.  I knew right then I needed my Daddy “warts and all” back in my life.  I was the daughter most like him and TO THIS DAY I am supremely proud of that fact.  And we were RIDE OR DIE from that day on.  Until he left to be with Mama on 1/10/11. He would always say to me after Mama died…”your Mama knew best, she knew she wouldn’t be able to stay with me so she knew I would need you even before I did” It made my heart sing….

11/20 will always resonate with me because that is also the day in 2002 that I brought my Mama home to die.  She wanted to come home and meet God in her own bed and near her family.  On 11/20 She kept whispering “thank you” while I was tucking her into the bed while the Paramedics brought in her supplies.  I put her head in my hands and asked  “thank you for what Mama?” and she said “FOR EVERYTHING”  Two days later she met God around 1:30 pm.  When I arrived she was left back in her room so My Daddy My Daughter and I could see her because we were not there.  She was at peace…Just like I knew she would be. #PeaceBeStill

On Sunday night 11/19/1978 I was starting to get real crampy.  This had been a difficult pregnancy as I was anemic, had complications, high blood pressure which is something I never had and a bout of toxemia….lucky me.  I was told I was having another boy so I kept saying as a running joke that when “he” got old enough I was gonna let him know what a pain in the azz he was literally.   The cramping turned into stomach pangs and I asked my Hubs to time me.  They got to about 45 min. apart and then they just stopped.  I was supposed to see my Dr. (Dr. Norman Cash I love you still RIP) on Tuesday so I figured he would just go ahead and put me in the hospital.  My hubs who was a mail carrier decided he would go to work but stay alert.  All of our family knew his route and how to find him on the road if need be.  So we calmed down and went back to bed.  My Hubs said “wouldn’t it be funny if “he” came tomorrow?” I said “No that is not gonna happen, Janice already delivered her daughter on her birthday, that isn’t gonna happen twice.” HOW WRONG I WAS…

Hubs left as usual early in the morning for work.  I washed up and laid back down as I was tired from lack of sleep.  About an hour later the baby started moving and I got sucker punched in the gut with a Huge pain.  I sat straight up and I knew this was it.  My 4 year old son was with my Hubs mom so I was alone in the apartment.  I got up and got dressed.  I was being as cautious as I could cuz I didn’t want my water to break while I was alone.  I called my Mama and said “Ma I think its time, can you come pick me up and I will call Dr. Cash’s office.”  She told me she was on her way and stay calm.  My mom lived across town from me and traffic in the early morning can be a bit of a bear.

I called Dr. Cash’s office and explained last night and this morning.  It wasn’t minutes before his nurse came back on the line and said, “we will call Muhlenberg and let them know you are on the way, go straight to the hospital and he will see you in a couple of hours or sooner.”  My Mama still wasn’t there and I didn’t want to call my Hubs yet till we were sure this was it.  So of course like a looney tune, I picked up my overnight bag and gingerly made it downstairs from my second floor apt. and out the door to go and wait at the corner for my mama. WHY DID I DO THAT? I was scared to be in the house by myself with pains shooting thru me.  I did not want any at home births under extreme circumstances, and I didn’t want my mama to have to carry my bag downstairs.  Crazy I know!!!

When I got to the hospital and it was just me and my mama, one of the nurses “assumed” I was just another UNWED statistic coming to give birth.  I saw her again once in my room and strapped to a monitor when she looked at my chart and said to me “you have blue cross blue shield?” I said yes I do.  I didn’t quantify that I also had a husband and before this pregnancy a job, because that was none of her business.  She had been assigned to my pre delivery care and she was a pure bitch to me.  If it felt better to lay on my right side she wanted me on my left and vice versa. Remember “NATURAL childbirth was the new thing and in its infancy.   Lucky me my doctor said if we do NATURAL its gonna be NATURAL meaning no drugs.  Once I was put in bed, Mama called the post office and Hubs arrived shortly after.  Even after he arrived and she saw I was married that nurse was still a bitch. I made a mental note that if I saw her after I delivered I was gonna cuss her out.

After 2 hours and not much progress Dr. C ordered an xray to see my pelvis and where the baby was positioned.  To take an xray pregnant I had to lay on my side in a funny way that was uncomfortable.  Once they would get me in position the baby would jab me and contractions hit, and they couldn’t take the picture till I remained still.  After three tries I said “ok after the next contraction, hurry over to me and rush and put me in position and take the damn shot” they did and the first film was fuzzy we had to do it again.  Lawd!!!!! I was wheeled back to my room and put back into bed.

Finally Dr. C walked into my room.  Just the sight of this heavy overweight Jewish man put me at ease.  He had a way about him and he too cursed like a sailor so he and my mama got along swimmingly.  He explained to me that the baby was a “military breech” with a hyperextended neck and one of their shoulders.  This is why the contractions would go down to about three minutes apart and jump back up to ten minutes a part.  He said I am going to break the water sack which should help with expediting labor and he would monitor the babies position.  He also informed me that the pains would get longer and worse.  It was no sooner than he broke the water sack that I got hit with the worse pain in my ENTIRE life. I thought I was gonna faint.  The nurses were instructed to pull my bent legs up and back to facilitate trying to restitute the baby’s position.  That damn nurse jumped to one side and pulled my leg back so far I thought she would dislocate my hip bone from the socket.  I RAISED UP WITH ALL THE LITTLE ENERGY I HAD LEFT IN ME AND SAID “BITCH IF YOU DON’T LET MY LEG GO AND GET SOMEONE ELSE I WILL JUMP OFF THIS TABLE BABY AND ALL AND WHUP YOUR ASS!!!” Dr. C. asked me what was wrong? I said this bitch at first thought I was young, black and alone and possibly on welfare which is none of her business but she has been a bitch all day to me.  She started to speak but Dr. C shooshed her and told her “get out and send in another nurse. Also pertaining to this patient once she is on the maternity floor you will NOT be assigned to her” SEE I TOLD YOU I LOVED THAT MAN.

After 15 hours (from midnight sunday till 5ish on Monday) more if you count the labor on sunday…I had had enough.  I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t push. Nothing.  Dr. C came in and said “we’ve got two options I can go up and in and “un” rim the lip of cervix which is hanging on to help with positioning, or C section”  I said “lets do it cut me open.”  he said “I want to try the other way first but I will get you and Hubs to sign the papers.”  About an hour later he came in my room with another doc and four nurses.  He said “if this works we are gonna rush you into delivery, Mr. go get gowned and gloved and the nurses will bring you in”  The last thing he said to me was “HOLD ON CUZ THIS IS GONNA HURT LIKE HELL” and it did, I screamed and thought I would black out. Next thing I remember I was in delivery.  The nurse said “she’s natural birth Dr. C.” He took one look at me and said “can you push?” I shook my head no and he said “get me the anesthesiologist stat, she is gonna go nite nite, she’s had enough”  I think I smiled when I felt the warmth of the liquid and the funny taste in the back of my throat.  They allowed my Hubs to stay and Dr. C delivered (with the salad tongs lol) my “DAUGHTER” at 6:47 p.m. Monday evening and she was 21 inches long.

Soon after in recovery Hubs was standing over top of me crying which scared the hell out of me.  He saw my eyes widen and he said “oh no nothing is wrong, but you didn’t have a boy you had a little girl” I looked at him and then my mama and she was crying and shaking her head yes.  I still had a hard time believing it cuz Dr. C is never wrong until my Hubs held up his PINK 24 hour visitor pass that said… IT’S A GIRL….and then I cried.  I couldn’t have been happier.  SHE WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT IVE EVER RECEIVED.  and I named her after two of the coolest, strongest Women I knew. My mother in law whose middle name was MORGAN and my mama whose middle name was ELIZABETH.

HAPPY BDAY MIJA…TE AMO

What is for me is for me…

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My life has been a journey of massive contradictions.  Ive loved with my whole heart yet have not been able to sustain a lifelong love throughout my lifetime.  Ive been married three times. (four if you count marrying #3 twice)

I met, got to know and fell in love with each man differently and under varied circumstances.  #1 was my childhood sweetheart.  It was love at first sight for me. It was something about him.  He…admired at first sight, not trusting his instincts. (that should have been a clue….but at 14 what does anyone know) We bonded over need.  His need to leave his crazy home environment for some peace of mind and peace in general.  My need was to have someone who not only appreciated my brilliance but made me feel special in it.  Needless to say because of our life’s inefficiencies we clung too much, wished too hard and leaped too fast.   We made it work for quite a few number of years. There were some good times, but there were some harrowing times too. Marrying young carries quite a few obstacles with it and when you are not careful nor paying attention you don’t see the train veering off the track.

In those days I apologized for everything and tried to be little Ms. Suzy Homemaker perfect.  We had our 2.2 children house and dog.  It wasn’t too long after the birth of my daughter that he settled into tedium and I blossomed into escape from boredom.  We took things too far, spiraled too fast, and coasted along much tooooooo long. Those were my years of growth.  and we all know now if you don’t grow together you are doomed.   In the end I took a leap of faith, picked up my kid and left.

#2 came along after a relationship I cherished ended.  It was wonderful and it taught me a lot but he was married.  My principles and love of ME won out and I ended it.  After it was over I poured myself into my work. I let my OCD and Anal mature and felt I didn’t need nor want a man in my life.  when it was needed I would “break glass” but then as the work increased I spent 10-12 hours at my job allowing that to be my mate, my companion.  My friends literally threw an intervention for me to demand I find someone to occupy my time because all work and no booty/play was making A a miserable person to be around.  It was then I discovered Match.Com.

I answered an ad for a Brother who wanted “Othello’s Love” to contact him.  He even wrote in his bio if you know her name drop me a line, if not keep it moving.  Well considering I was versed in Shakespeare. I dropped a line.  I was on my way back from visiting my folks on a sunday afternoon when my cell rang.  It was him.  We had a pleasant witty conversation and made a date to meet weds. of that week.  He came to town, he wanted to go to the store and buy groceries to cook for me.  While in the store he was talking to me and I to him and he stopped mid aisle and said “the convo is lovely but can you look at me while talking I want to gaze into your eyes.”  The sap that I am fell for that hook line and sinker. (dag I had been out of the game a long time) He was smart, handsome, funny and he could cook.  While the dinner was simmering He came over to the table asked me to stand up and KISSED me.  While I was basking in the glow my minds thought said to my body Lord I wish he would “touch” me….and in less than two point two seconds HE DID.  I was shocked and that was the move that sealed my fate.  We were inseparable for a week.  At the end of that week we talked about moving in together.  I was terrified but I gave it a go.  In six months he asked me to marry him.  A year from meeting him we married.  Oh did I fail to mention he was fourteen years my junior?  Yes…

In this union I was much more Independent and knew what I wanted and how I wanted it.  He was on board with it and we sailed into bliss which lasted about two seconds.  Baby Mama Family Drama reared its head quick fast and in a hurry.  When the threads started to unravel they did it double time. He loved my brilliance and would teach me geeky techy things that he knew…thankfully that would assist me in his undoing.  Had he not been so Intelligently Insane crazy…who knows.  But I thank God for my maniacal mind and will to ALWAYS PICK AND SAVE ME.

#3 I believe is “just right” (you know like in the fairy tale of the three bears) we hit a rough patch mid way and I said adios. Claiming my independence and if you can’t feel me then you don’t warrant me. His tag line for us since we met…”we aren’t done” and I used to hate that line. I felt like loves prisoner at times. Funny thing is Ive come through ALL the family, baby mama, job drama and he is still here….and so am I…xo

Hair Today… Gone Tomorrow…Beauty Remains…

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Hair…Everybody has their own opinions, desires and none of us seem to be happy with what we have. The old adage that if its straight we want curly and vice versa. If we don’t have hair nowadays we go buy it and adorn ourselves with the vision of beauty in our minds eye.  We have the afrocentric who feel its our God given right to be who and as we are.  We have religious hair grown or shaved to bring us closer to our vision/version of the Spirit.
Then you have the ones who diversify not for a movie role or for fun…but because their look their locks are directly tied to their emotional well being.  This is where i live.  
I was born with semi good hair.  I had waves and some curls and not too many naps. Even though my morning comb outs and braid sessions weren’t horrible; i still didn’t want to be bothered with my hair.  My mom would get creative and leave out a section to make a bang.  This meant that i had to go to bed with this sponge curler in the front of my head.  Sometimes the curler wound my hair so tight i thought my brains would come through my skin.  Complaining of pain did no good.  You were told how good you would look in the morning and that you might as well get use to it that to look good you might have to endure a little pain. 
 
Somewhere around middle school i started getting my hair straightened.  Since my hair was mid to shoulder length most of my childhood it was a harrowing ordeal.  Imagine sitting in the kitchen on a friday night in the summer.  You were sitting in front of a gas stove, with the pilot on high and the heat wafting which made the temperature even more intense.  You sat close to the stove between the legs of your loved one while they did their magic.  Most times they were sweating or heat exposed so badly they would need to take breaks.  And God forbid they touch your scalp of sides of your temple with those hot irons.  OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH…the equivalent of a third or second degree burn.  So that means the vaseline or cocoa butter stayed close by the action and at the ready.   
 
If there were special occasions coming up and if your family had the means, you got to visit the local hair dressers.   I HATED BLACK BEAUTY SHOPS BACK IN THE DAY.  Like our barber shops they would be filled with people, laughter, gossip and food.  But unlike the barber shops a visit to the beauty shop could take ALL DAY.  It was also at the beauty shop where i was introduced to my first HAIR DRYER. You sit under a dome and have intense heat blown on your hair and neck and shoulders while your brain is being pulled through the roots of your follicles all for the sake of beauty.  i hate them.
 
Fast forward to the mid to late seventies…as a young woman, then as a wife, my job was to keep my look on point.  I lived through the eras of the afro, the jheri curl, highlighting, short hair cuts in back and volumne up front what fun…NOT.  Sisters really thought they advanced when along came hand held blow dryers, extensions and wigs.  The need for assimulation was a big one in the seventies. I had a Track added to the back of my already shoulder length hair one summer to impress the hubs.  After two days of tightness and itching i went back to the hairdresser and demanded she cut that track out of my hair and NEVER listen to me again if i said i wanted one.  During those times i endured going to the hair dresser, having my hair blown straight all for the sake of being able to swing it like my Caucasian, Asian, Latino Sisters….SERIOUSLY?
 
I WAS A REBEL AT A YOUNG AGE….When the Beatles hit the united states I was enamored. I was probably in the third or fourth grade and i loved Paul McCartney.  I wanted a Beatle cut.  My mama said no.  I saved my money and took my album cover right down the street to the corner barber shop.  I sat in Mr. Lanes chair (RIP) and demanded he cut my hair into a Beatle cut.  Now Mr. Lane knew my folks and wasn’t sure if he should.  He told me to come back when my daddy got off work.  My dads rider let him off at the corner each day right by the barber shop.  Promptly at 430 i met my dad at the corner , showed him my money and the album cover.  He said “ok it will grow back if you don’t like it i don’t see the harm”.  He actually waited with me while Mr. Lane cut it.  By 530 or so we walked into the house and the look on my moms face sealed both our fates.  I got in serious trouble but not like my dad…lol…they went upstairs (cuz rare did they argue in front of their kids) and stayed a long time.  when daddy came down i apologized but he told me don’t worry about it and he winked at me.  i couldn’t wait to show my friends my hair the next day but you would have thought i killed somebody.  A Black girl whose hair grows was a coveted species and i committed sacrilege.  Who knew?  But i knew i was proud of myself.  
 
i have always held three women in high satorial regard.  Joan of Arc who cut off her hair and fought with the french, Sinead O’Connor and her iconic do…signing “Nothing Compares to you”  and an actress who starred in a B Movie called “The Legend of Billie Jean” who at one point to fight for her rights conjured the spirit of Joan of Arc and cut all her hair off.  In the late eighties early nineties my Best Friend was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  One chemo treatment stole all her hair.  When she visited Home to NJ it was dead of winter.  She didn’t like the feel of wigs so she wore winter hats.  In solidarity I drove to the barber shop and demanded they shave my head and give me a “Caesar Cut”.  Again the barber didn’t want to, but i was a woman now and i said if you dont im gonna reach behind you and do it myself.  He did it and I felt oddly at peace.  
 
Fast forward to 1992.  My marriage hit the skids and i moved to RVA with my daughter.  My hair was mid length then.  We scouted out beauty parlors and found some we liked and some we didn’t.  We also found out that going in for a 2pm appt may have you home by dinner if you were lucky, due to overbooking.  We had entered the age of “gelling hair” and sitting under the dryer for a slicker do and curling black hair….all i knew is it was horrible for me. My daughter had entered the age of Permanents…to make hair straighter and my daughter had/has a sensitive scalp.  Oh the pain she endured for the sake of beauty.  She inheirited my aversion and avulsion to Beauty Parlors and tools and products.  She discovered the world of Braiding and that became her safe haven when hairdos and don’ts didn’t work. For me with passing month i was cutting mine shorter and shorter. 
 
1994 – The Year of my Independence.  I was rocking Halle Berry’s short do at the time but wanted it shorter.  By going natural i discovered i had curly wavy hair like my Dads.  I asked the man I was seeing at that time what would he think if i cut all my hair short like his.  He said “if you have a nice shaped head which i think you do, you are beautiful enough to carry it off”  Remember this was UNPRECEDENTED and my daughter was VEHEMENTLY against it.  I asked her to do the first cut.  She said no… I took the Huge Kitchen Sheers and went into the bathroom and cut a HUGE chunk of hair in the front of my head.  That was the start of my journey to freedom. 
Once i went to a barber and told him i wanted it close and he asked do you trust me? i said yes and he shaved me BALD…it was ORGASMIC…Both my son and daughter were with me and they almost died of shock, but they also know their mother.  The Man i was seeing came over took one look at me and said ” you are AMAZING” HE SEALED MY PRIDE AND MY NICKNAME FOREVER. (i promptly got a license plate with Amazing and i have it still)
 
Almost one year later while my hair was short i wondered what i would look like with Blonde hair.  I went to a hairdresser who helped me dye it.  We were shocked at how good it looked.  That started the “Color Wheel” experimentation phase of my life.  i tried a LOT of colors.  Ive always wanted to be a Red head and i went Crayola Crayon Red.  Whatever color i would always go back to blonde which was an ordeal.  I started reading up on dyes, bleaching, relaxers, etc. There were times i would make a HUGE mistake and when i went to towel my wet hair, it would fall out into the towel…This drove my daughter crazy.  i would simply shave my head bald and wait.  That happened about four times till i got better at it.  In 1998 I went with my daughter to her hair dresser and told her i wanted to try Platinum Blonde…That was the lick that killed Dick!!! (my dads old saying) I LOVED IT. Unique, sharp, distinctive and BOLD. Ive been a lot of colors but i seem to always end up back here.  
 
My hair when super short is straight (go figure) but as it grows out it waves first and then curls which i love.  Ive been natural since that first cut with the kitchen shears.  I stick between Blonde (which Hubs loves) and Black in the winter (which i love…The Goth in Me) But with years of hair abuse…I also like it shaved close.  So with Hubs Ive recently struck a deal…he gets Blonde i get Shaved Close.  
 
Did you notice at no point in this long tale did i mention BEAUTY OR BEAUTIFUL…wanna know why?
 
Cuz Ive ALWAYS known the Beauty was IN me….xo

Chaos from Passion

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“We Dance recklessly to the tune of the Uniquely Forbidden”
“We vibrantly exist to fully Embracing the Madness”
“We repeatedly survive accepting that Lifes an Illusion”
“We instinctively love wholly because we know its all there is”
11/20

Aint that about a Bitch!!!

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#LIFES ONE CONSTANT IS CHANGE…

Day to day realizations come and go.  Sometimes they enter your minds eye as a flicker of a thought, while other times they dart in and dart right back out.  You can deal with the notions…What was that? or What was I thinking about? Convince yourself that it/they were nothing and keep on moving forward.

When day to day realizations become the norm and not the exception, or you find yourself holding out hope for sooner than later, something is indeed amiss.  You piece the puzzle together and your body and soul gently suggest to your mind…PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS.

I am an intelligent woman but I have a severe BLIND SPOT in my makeup.  I love wholeheartedly, without reservation and BLINDLY without thought to my own wonders, willingness, hopes, dreams or NEEDS.  I am not talking about just the love of a good man…but love and loving all in my aura be it friend, family or partner.  I have been set ablaze and burned.  I have been cast aside by many.  Do not fret for this is not a pity party for one. Nor do I bother (anymore) trying to make the Minions see the devastation of the shots they fire or the wounds as a result.  To my detriment another lingering trait of mine is…I WILL SUFFER IN SILENCE AND HOLD IT IN…causing great mental, emotional and physical harm to my edifice, to my temple, to my familiar to my very existence.  At this point in my life I pray the damage hasn’t caused me to fall just short of the Three Score and Ten the Divine promised. We shall see.

I can take a LOT of shit and dodge a lot of the malice that is CONTINUALLY thrown my way.  I have spent YEARS perfecting and swallowing side comments, ignoring jeers, and sharpening my deaf ear skill.  I have looked SATAN in the face behind the masks of Husbands, Best Friends, Sisters, Uncles, Aunts and Cousins only to stare blindly back, shrug my shoulders and retreat.  Once home or at a safe distance I replay the scenes a 1000 times in my head and pinpoint the moments I could have said something, did something, changed something or simply knocked a bitch or bastard out.  I get angry at myself for all the missed opportunities.  They say it builds character. What it builds is HUGE resentment until I almost choke on the bile.  I used to live with it until either the carnage subsided or we parted ways.  The partings were never initiated by me, but by circumstance, distance or simply non communication.  This was the trajectory of my life until about 2011.  When Daddy died…the gloves came off.

The minute I feel that I have become a paid extra in someone else’s play its time for change.  I should at least be co-starring or guest appearing because I have always been (reluctantly) the Director and surely ($$$$$) the Executive Director.  At this stage in my life, a soliloquy will do just fine.  One woman shows do very well on the great white way.  Hire a new manager to deal with the sideline minutiae, and new stagehands to handle the tedium.  Allow room for open casting call with new details, new visions for the rewritten screenplay.  Accept any and all suggestions but always keep the Golden Scissors on hand to perform cuts when need be.  Always remember to inform the news media of any change in venue of theatres as to not lose your faithful audience. (even if they only fill the first two or three rows)

I am a winner. I have won countless awards over the years for the parts I have played.  My mantle is littered with Best and Best Supporting Actress awards.  No one can compose a better screenplay that me. I know the plot twists, I know the protagonists, and I’ve memorized every line.   I can swim away from shore and surely tread water till help arrives.  I can sing, dance, reason, emote, WRITE, and I can, after all this time….LOVE…still.  That is and will always be my greatest gift.

What would you Say?

I was Given a Gift 2day…I love thought provoking questions…

IN ONE OF MY GROUPS ON FB THE QUESTION WAS ASKED…”If you could go back and tell your younger self something what would it be and how old would your younger self be?

MY REPLY:

Dear A
…..Your heart your kindness your ability to love, care, do and be for people will be taken for granted, lied on, talked about and pigeon holed. Even by those closest to u…Judas had NOTHING on ur detractors.

ALL OF THIS WILL STING, MAIM AND ALMOST KILL UR SPIRIT…BUT U WILL SURVIVE…so don’t change U.
Just try to be more disconcerting abt those u let in….

I would have told MY 35y.o. SELF that. That was when I separated from Hubs #1…and LEFT NJ…
That was when the road became a winding road…

#1 and I married young but the love was TRUE and he was the One CHOSEN for me to have my kids with. I thank God for that and HIM…

After him…choices, friends, FAMILY, lovers and life went awry….causing me to Grow, Deal, Learn and Live….it hasn’t always been EZ

But IM STILL HERE…xo

#Survivor

#GloryToHisName

MyAngel

***9/14/2007 My Babydog was Born…
***11/2007 I traveled 2.5 hours w/my daughter to buy a White West Highland Terrier (Westie) because I saw a Caesars Dog Commercial and thought the dog was cute. (Further research also proved they are very smart, well behaved but moody)
***2007 My Sister passed (RIP Paula) and My Cousin (RIP Jeffrey) a day apart…and my year wasn’t stellar…A friend knew of my plight and my Interest and Gifted me my opportunity for Happy around my Bday (11/20)
***I didn’t pick my Doggie the Trainer/Breeder/ Owner places the pups on the floor and allow them to gravitate to a prospective Buyer/new Owner…I thought that was magical.
***There were 5 pups most were wire(y) hair but one pup had some curly hair with a patch of off white stripe down her back…and she came over and rested on my foot. The Owner said she knew it would be this pup…
***We handles bizz, gathered all the pups stuff and went to the car. I drove home while Mija held her but I was antsy and so was the pup. UNTIL Mija laid her on my leg…where she slept while I drove.
***When we got home I let her wander, took her out and then we went up to bed…I was textn my daughter abt names. I didn’t want it to be cliche abt anything “white” and while textn she laid on my arm…and in an Instant I knew….

She is Angel…

HBDay 2 my Furry Daughter.  Over the past 7 yrs she has literally saved my life, and soothed my soul.