I can almost Hear Him say…WELL DONE

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I had to make choices when I had NO
options. He was going to die. It was a matter of where and when.

No one in my ancillary family understood that or came to help me. In fact meetings were held to usurp me. They accused me, tried me and found me guilty sentencing me to Estrangment and Excommunication w/no parole.
Ive forgiven for my sanity and moved on. They are non factors.

Only with Gods light, my mothers spirit guiding me, my Daughter holding on to me and stepping up to the plate, my son in laws support, my bff ever present with me, and my love…(whom i had the good sense to remarry) buidling a fence around me…did i make it through that time to this.

What about the living?????

There is a woman named Theresa Caputo who is the Long Island Medium. Yes i believe her and believe in her. No i don’t think its just a tv show. Yes i drove myself crazy watching her and crying uncontrollably for almost a year after he died. I feel ONLY THERESA can ensure me i did what i had to do, CORRECTLY and that even in death He was/is proud of me. IT MEANS THAT MUCH, BECAUSE I LIVED FOR HIS VALIDATION, HIS APPROVAL, HIS LOVE OF ME….

Just the way i am…

GRANVILLE WHITE, THE PRESIDENT OF MY UNITED STATES, WAS/IS MY FATHER. HE DIED EARLY MONDAY MORNING JANUARY TENTH 2011. I was awakened by the phone ringing. i was alone at home with my Westie, Angel. (My Guardian Angel) I knew when the phone rang it would be the hospital and i knew he was gone.
My father and i were as thick as thieves. After my mamas death i was his road dog, his confidante, his stick partner…His Ride or Die. He was my EVERYTHING from the time i was born. No man measured up to him, no man knew more than he did, and he taught me mostly everything i needed to know to function in this world and to NEVER apologize for being me. He let me know i was SPECIAL. He let me know my life had/has meaning. He raised me to be a WOMAN in a MANS WORLD and if they couldn’t deal with me FUCK EM…AND KEEP IT MOVING TILL I FOUND A MAN WHO COULD. BTW-His name is Calvin Jones.

January 1st when i visited him at home for New Year’s Day we had the last talk about his health. He knew he was failing but wanted to exhaust every avenue to stay. He was NOT ready to go, he felt he had so much more to do. I begrudingly had to explain to him once more that we had exhausted every avenue and like a clock he was winding down and eventually it would be time to stop. At that moment i looked in his eyes and i saw DEFEAT AND ACCEPTANCE. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT LOOK. I SHOULD HAVE PAID MORE ATTENTION TO HIS MOOD WITH THAT LOOK. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE CAUTIOUS. however i simply let the moment pass and changed the subject to something more frivalous but pleasant. I stayed till early evening and told him I would call him tomorrow like i always did.

Sunday Jan. 2nd i arose to go to church with my Love. On route to church i called my dad and didn’t get an answer. I figured he got up to go to church too seeing it was the first sunday. I resolved myself to call him after. After church i called and got no answer. I then surmised he was probably out visiting people which he loved to do on the weekends. Around 1ish i went over my daughters to visit and watch a movie…but i had a sinking feeling and I shared that with my daughter. While the movie was playing i said stop it for a minute and let me call Daddy. It was about 2ish. When he didn’t answer this time i started calling around for relatives to go by and see if his car was home and if he was home. I reached out to my cousin in law who said she would send her husband down to the house as soon as he returned home. I called the police and the emergency numbers in Palmyra and reported my fears to them. I was able to reach one of my younger cousins and asked her to meet them at the house. Waiting was AGONY.

in about 20 min i called back to the sounds of my cousin shreaking in the phone. She was crying and i could hear and sense her fear. She was babbling and rambling and i finally calmed her enough for her to tell me what they found. My Dad slumped over on the floor between the kitchen and dining room entranceway, having hit his head he had bled and clotted. His right hand was holding on to the doorway molding. I screamed at her to get her attention and asked “is he alive?” she said i believe so and that the paramedics were checking now. She said they had to bust the side door open and i told her that was fine. HE WAS ALIVE BUT THEY WERE UNSURE OF HIS CONDITION. It didn’t look good. I asked to speak to the EMT and told him my dads med hx and DNR were taped behind him on the refridgerator door. They told me which hospital they were taking him to in Charlottesville and i told them i was leaving now. I told my cousin to get my dads wallet out of his pants pocket and meet me at the exit where Interstate 64 and Route 15 in 30 minutes. I called my niece in Charlottesville and told her go to UVA Hospital and meet the ambulance and if they need me before i get there to call me. Thankfully i kept my dads living will and papers in my car at all times.

I turned to my daughter shaken but i knew i had to get to Charlottesville. My daughter dropped everything to go with me, and my son in law promised to go check on my dog. I broke every speeding law but i made it to the exit to meet my cousin, i hugged her and thanked her and kept en route to Charlottesville. When i got to the hospital they were still assessing him and wouldn’t let me see him right away so i admitted him and handled the paperwork. In what seemed like hours, they finally let me and my daughter go back and see him.

My father was stretched out on a gurney. My dad was 6’2 and he always looked too big for hospital beds but this time he seemed so small. His clothes had been cut off and he was covered with a sheet and blanket. He had a gash on his head and his hand was swollen from holding onto the door frame. He was agitated so i rushed to his side and whispered loudly “Daddy its me, Pumpkin, you are at the hospital, can you hear me?” He grunted yes and immediately started to calm down. I said “Morgan is here too and we will stay right here with you ok?” Again he grunted. My daughter was shocked but stoic, i could tell her mind was racing. For me i went into overdrive and started assessing the incident, his condition and surroundings, reading the monitors and looking over his injuries. My Dad kept trying to speak but couldn’t. My daughter was agitated and i was nervous on my way to terrified. I kept trying to make out what he was trying to say but couldn’t. It was not long after that that he went silent and HE NEVER SPOKE TO ME AGAIN.

I met with the ER Doc and the Neurologist. They confirmed it was a massive stroke and his entire left side part of his diaphram were paralyzed. They did not think he would speak again. I gave the docs his living will and we reviewed it together. My father wanted NO EXTRAORDINARY MEANS TAKEN IN TRYING TO SUSTAIN HIS LIFE. I was/am his living agent. At that moment the transfer of responsibility fell to me. The neurologist suggested we move him to the palliative care floor and monitor him for the rest of the night and reassess in the morning. I affirmed his DNR, signed some other papers and went outside to call my two sisters, in jersey. i explained to them that it was bad and i didnt think he was gonna make it out of this one. I told them you need to come soon as you can. (SOON AS THEY COULD TURNED OUT TO BE THURSDAY)

The Next Day i met the Dr. who would help walk with me thru this nightmare. Dr. Lee, Palliative Care Specialists and Neurologist. He confirmed the diagnosis and we discussed care. We decided to just give palliative care for the next three days and monitor him for any changes. He told me at this juncture, a feeding tube, IV’s and a catheter were not going to make or break this situation. I opted not to go that route. My fathers breathing was labored and he had quite an accumulation of phlegm which had to be monitored. (THURS NITE I ASKED FOR A TECH TO COME AND ASPIRATE SOME OF IT OUT, WHICH WAS ONE OF THE MOST HORRIBLE EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE. AFTER TWO ATTEMPTS I TOLD HIM STOP AND NEVER DO THAT AGAIN)

Each day i would rise, get ready, go to work, put out fires, leave work and go to the hospital and stay the good majority of the day and then drive home. In between i started to prepare and make arrangements, which was scoffed and rebuffed at the time by one of my employees who i thought really cared about my well being. It cut me to my core. Little did i know the ancillary fam were kind of thinking the same heinous thoughts.

Weds. was D Day. Dr. Lee came to the room to talk. My daughter was there with me, as were two of my male cousins. Dr. Lee explained Daddy was dying and we needed to decide how and when. He explained i could put him in a nursing home with a feeding tube. He could not sit up but could be positioned to sit in a wheelchair will being tied and bound in a seated position for a couple times a day. This would not however stop the formation of “bed sores” and he would need constant turning and repositioning. He might last 20-30 days. Or we could continue with the palliative care, monitoring him and he would last approximately ten days and we were already four days in. He said that he could stay at the hospital through the weekend but i would have to make arrangements to have him moved to another facility by Monday. I was to meet with the Social Worker on Monday to see if we could get him into VA nursing facility in Richmond closer to me.

Dr. Lee turned to me and said “Okay Ms. White, what is it you would like to do?” I looked at him and I looked at my Daughter and then my Daddy. It was evidently clear THAT DAY…I said “This is not my Daddy and he wouldn’t want to be sustained in a nursing home, NOT LIKE THIS”. Dr. Lee said “I think you made the right choice” I said well when my sisters get here they will be prepared to fight this so i am told. He said “don’t worry I am prepared to meet with them and uphold your decision.” AND IN THE SPLIT SECOND MOMENT MY HEART BROKE INTO A MILLION PIECES…I FELT I HAD JUST CONDEMNED MY DADDY TO DEATH.
For the rest of that visit and Thurs. and Saturday (I DIDN’T GO UP FRIDAY CUZ THAT WAS THE DAY THE POSSE WENT IN ON DR. LEE BUT HE QUIETED THE NAY SAYERS) i continued to look for any signs of MY DADDY coming back to me. There were none.
Sunday January 9th…I arrived with my Love. The nurse said his breathing had become shallow and more labored and if i would like it might be time to hang a Morphine Drip. I concurred. I walked over to my dad and i collasped on his chest, tears streaming down my face…and i said… “Daddy I love you with my life but i cant’ take much more. I feel your struggle. I am gonna be fine, Morgan is gonna be fine. You’ve done all you can for us. We love you but i know you can see Mama and i know you can see Grandma Blanche. Its okay Pop you can go and God willing we will meet again” “Please I can’t watch you suffer anymore” and i cried right there on his chest.

When i finished crying I looked up at my dad and he had a lot of stubble and beard. My Dad had taken to wearing a goatee which was quite becoming but he was looking ragged. I said to my Love, “I can’t have him go away from here looking like this.” I asked the nurse could i shave him and she said “Hunny you can do whatever you want for your dad. I have seen a lot of loved ones but it is EVIDENT to all of us how close you two are. It is admirable to see your love and respect for your dad.” So my love went and brought some razors back to me and i proceeded to shave daddy just like i would any other time and talking to him while i shaved him. It brought the only PEACE that i had had since the stroke. My love and i sat with him and once he got the IV his breathing calmed a bit. We went to the cafeteria to get something to eat. We went back up to his room and i said goodbye and that i would see him tomorrow. I said i was meeting with the social worker to arrange to bring him to Richmond. THAT WAS NOT TO BE…MY DADDY WAS ADAMANT HE WANTED TO DIE IN THE COUNTRY AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID.

Heres the sad part for me. I knew i wouldn’t be with my Mama when she died but i ALWAYS figured i would be with my Dad. But that wasn’t to be either. He didn’t want me there. I guess he knew that i wouldnt have been able to handle it, even if i thought i was strong enough too. He ALWAYS knew best.

Daddy did i do it right? Are you proud of me? Was there anything else i couldve done?
I miss you every single day….Thank you for everything….xo

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