I woke up in peaceful thought this morning…and i surfed FB as i often do.
A FBFriend posted this meme and it stirred a reaction in me.
Here was my reply:
Oooh catching the Holy Ghost over this one…SOMEBODY HOLD MY MULE while I shout!!!!! It does take two to make a union and two to break a union. But there is also being kind. Not Stealth and not Deadly.
First, Do know Harm.
I spent ten years loving a man who didnt love himself. Did you ever see the TV show The Imposter? Where a man traveled and each place he went he put on a different persona? Well I married him not once but TWICE. The idiom “Love is Blind” has a picture of ME right next to it.
I love Whole and I love Hard which is vastly different from loving wholeheartedly. Wholeheartedness come from like then love followed by a preconceived script handed down from Woman to Woman. It gives a blueprint of the do’s dont’s and heres the ways to love and care for your man. Women then pick from the smorgasborg of options; the tasks that suit their scenario best. Then the women pray daily for the verve and drive to see it through.
NOT ME…Im a Muse…on a Mission. Ive also been called an Empath. An Empath is
a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. This is Me.
I knew early on in life that i was different i felt early on that it would be difficult to find one to love me through my depths. So i spent my first Two Acts of Life trying to conform, to fit in to blend. Only to realize its utterly impossible. I do NOT process things the way others do. My Parents realized this and raised me accordingly. What others saw as being spoiled was merely nurturing loving care to the Child they were entrusted to raise. We were an Unbreakable Triad. My lessons started from the Womb.
When i become enamored with someone they become the focus of my Empathy. i listen i watch i discuss i observe and THEN when i am comfortable i begin to feel. Depending on the situation, the encounter and the circumstances my feelings align accordingly.
If feeling is reciprocal it then becomes a slippery slope for me because i cant Half-Way…when i decide i go ALL IN.
Whole Love is the ability to maintain yourself while totally encompassing the Love and the Lover. The Hard is Sexy Provocative and Open. All one needs to do is WANT to love me back. I give above and beyond measure as it is possible. All i ask for is Him. I need, crave, desire and exist with and from PASSION. Without it the relationship must die, lest it kill me. Therein lies the rub.
Because of my Gifts ive always gravitated toward men i perceived Nurturers. In the Courtship and in the days, weeks and months that follow a love of new, im buoyed by the Passion shown. Thats when i turn on my inner light and shine to create the Protective Bubble for us to dwell. I explain IN DEPTH who i am and what i am and what i want. I was told with each encounter they understood and could acquiesce. They only “wanted me” they did not want to love me. Not whole and Not hard.
The last one i thought that with TLC would be the Love of my Life. I loved the juxtaposition of Creating the Man He could be against the tortured soul. I figured he would love me with Amazing Gratitude and Grace. All of this i furtively but foolheartedly believed because I found him in Church. I felt it was an assignment from The Heavenly Host to love this Man. Assuredly believing that as he grew into his own so would his love and ardor for me exponentially.
Like the plot twist in a horrid sitcom the opposite became true.
I love with all i have and its difficult to say no. To be a Muse and an Empath by design is to facilitate. My Love blinds my Vision and My Naivete rises to the surface. Summarily i became the scapegoat, the one least considered in his menagerie of family. His concept was for me to hop aboard and assist him in forging their lives forgoing our own.
The First Marriage was desparation and i could see it on his face. The goal was marry me and gain custody. My focus became halved but that wasnt enough because his focus locked in on his progeny, leaving me in the cold.
I walked away.
The Second Marriage came when i was wounded. My Center Root, My Father had died and ascended to join My Mother. I was bereft and he offered solace. I ate and drank his acidic rhetoric and bullshit like he was manna from heaven and grapes made into wine. Yet i forgot that wine that is not allowed to ferment and breathe is simply vinegar after all.
In order to save myself i had to kill my marriage. One day i sat down and told him either passion me, or it would not be him i’d find solace in. CONFORMISTS couldn’t. wouldn’t NEVER do that. They would simply Cheat. For me, to be and have Empathy is to be kind and true with my Heart when My Survival is on the line.
He finally admitted He couldnt love me. He needed “LessThan” and i deserved more. It crushed me to end in defeat. Then the change came. It seemed with his new found courage for confession he wanted to make me suffer the impending loss. He turned cold as ice and i felt abandoned. He secretly planned his exodus never worrying about the emotional, physical, mental, and financial carnage left behind.
OH SHE WILL BE ALRIGHT
OH SHE IS STRONG SHE’LL BOUNCE BACK
OH SHE MAKES THE MOST SO SHE CAN HANDLE THOSE BILLS
IVE GIVEN ENOUGH TIME TO THIS ITS MY TIME NOW
those phrases used to echo loudly in my ear keeping me awake at night. His sheer disregard for me astounded me.
So i packed all my things, borrowed money and escaped never to be with him again.
In the aftermath i took a sabbatical from love, men, and society, concentrating on me in repair. There was an Comforter along the way who saw This Angel flying too close to the ground and He assisted me in Patching my Broken Wings. After him i promised myself i will only Open, Feel, Emote and Love again…fot the One who is Empathetic too…
In Forgiving and Loving myself I started about the task of healing….
He was right about one thing…
I Am Strong